Sloan's about-face and the power of negative thinking: I have special and terrifying powers

Below is the transcript of the conversation my brother and I had last night at half time of the Jazz vs. Warriors Game 2. I provide it in hopes this little window into my madness will provide you with as much joy as it does for my brother.

DDD: “Wow. The last four games have been unbelievable. I called it all the way. If you give AK the ball and let him run the show, he produces like the old AK and we win. Really. I have to give a lot of credit. . .to myself.”

39&1/2 feet: “That’s very brave of you to take all the credit. It takes tremendous courage to acknowledge your own genius.”

DDD: “ I agree. You know what I’ve discovered?”

39&1/2 feet — giggling audibly—: “ No, what?”

DDD: “I do have special powers. I cry about AK needing to handle the ball more. Like clock work, Sloan starts giving him touches on nearly every possession ... I complain that Sloan should trust Deron more and stop trying to force him into becoming a Stockton clone. Ten days later, Sloan starts publicly pronouncing his ultimate confidence in Deron’s decision making. I say Brewer needs just one opportunity to show his worth—and magically fate provides a set of circumstances where Sloan has no choice but to insert him into the game.”

39&1/2 feet: “So, just for the sake of your favorite player getting a few extra minutes you used these powers to give Fisher’s daughter to some bizarre form of cancer? — And then for Okur to nearly paralyze Dee?”

DDD: “Well. I have yet to hone this power. I didn’t wish for any of that, but if Harpring had come down with the plague I would have had to admit a different answer.”

Yeah, we’re a special pair. Sloan is adjusting his game plan and relinquishing control to a second-year player. The most conservative and controlling coach in American sports is suddenly matching Nellie fastbreak for fastbreak. Is this really happening? If so, how can it be explained? The way I see it there are only three plausible explanations.

First, someone from the Jazz coaching staff could be checking out the blogosphere for ideas. Possible, flattering, but highly doubtful. When Amaechi accused Sloan of writing homophobic emails, I believed the coach when he said, “I don’t even know how to work email.” There’s no reason to question the honestly of that statement.

The second possibility? The religion I founded a few days ago, called slackosophy, is gaining millions of converts even though I have put zero effort into recruitment. This growth has led to a strengthening of my powers (unbeknownst to me) leading to my godlike intimacy with a higher order that rules all earthly matter. This scenario seems reasonable enough so we’ll keep it around just in case there is more anecdotal evidence that could be utilized in an infomercial of some sort.

A little story is necessary to adequately explain the third possibility … A few years back while I was still living in New York, I had a massage therapist whose body resided in Brooklyn, but her spirit was living out a life as a Bay Area hippy. Even though my words were muffled by the cheeks of the massage table, from our conversations she concluded that I needed help thinking positively (big surprise). She recommended a book to me, Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn. I told her I would compromise, if she would read Kierkegaard while listening to the complete works of Minor Threat (this is the first teaching of slackosophy) then I would read Grabhorn.

Like most hippies, she didn’t hold up her part of the bargain, but I struggled through 200 pages of Grabhorn’s ideas. Her theory was akin to The Secret book that appeared on Oprah. A variation of the guru self-help nonsense about “laws of attraction” and the power of positive thoughts. The concept is simple: if you think it enough, it will happen; no matter what it is—good or bad—if you give it enough thought, it will happen at some point.

If you think enough about being an astronaut, sooner or later astronautics (is that a word?) will happen for you. If you spend all day thinking about good sex, sooner or later, good sex will take place. On the flip side, if you spend all day fretting about the fact that you are in a shrinking media industry with no appreciation for your unique abilities, then unappreciated you will remain and a failure you will become. I’m not sure if that last sentence was on the page or just in my head.

Grabhorn’s ideas were supposed to be uplifting, but instead they were scaring the frak out of me. I put down the book and promised never return to think these terrifying concepts.

However, in light of the last few weeks, I’ve given Grabhorn’s ideas some more thought. . .and here’s my existentialist conclusion: thoughts, whether acknowledged or not, can have an impact. The basketball gods are listening. The message is getting through. Sloan realizes this team is the most-talented he’s ever coached. The rumors about Larry Miller getting on his back? Kirilenko possibly going into early retirement? Boozer threatening not to sign another contract because of Sloan’s dictatorial style? It doesn’t matter whether these rumors are true.

For decades, “Sloan the magnificent” faced zero criticism in the local intelligentsia and minimal resistance from his star players. Not the case any more. This is Jerry’s last chance for a championship and he knows it. Good thing for him (and us) it’s also the best shot he’s ever had.

--DDD

(The man known as “39&1/2 feet” contributed to this post.)

Go-go gadget comeback! The real AK-47 returns, this time he means 'business'

After three air balls in a row in the third quarter, I sent a text to my friend Caleb reading, “Is Derek Fisher bad enough to lose this game all by himself? That is the question.” Forever the pessimist, I thought a Beniot-for-3 collapse was imminent. Ten minutes later. . .

“Oh god, Andrei!

Holy crap. Kirilenko!!

O-MY-GOD, AK!!!”

My girlfriend came into the living room and said, “Wow, why don’t you scream my name like that?” Last night, Kirilenko’s triumphant return to form was so good, I blushed.

That was the old Andrei we saw. The one from 2003-2004 when the team still wore those putrescent purple and copper uniforms with the snowflake belt buckle sown into the shorts and the visage of Wasatch mountain triangles on the sidewalls.

Remember the man who came devilishly close to a 5x5 stat line nearly every night? The man who overnight captured the attention of every fantasy basketball player in America? Last night we saw that underneath it all, that man is still there … the young kid so skinny and hyper he looks more like a meth addtict than a basketball player. The one who’s eyes narrow and develop an expression of intense focus.[1]

I must make a difference on every play. That ball is my ball. You may have it for the moment, but I will get it back. The expression on Andrei’s face is so forceful, it can be read no other way.

Remember the movie Commando? The flick where Schwarzenegger is an ex-navy seal special operative assassin[2] who decides all of a sudden to retire. For whatever reason, the generic bad guys kidnap his daughter. Big mistake.

The bad guys’ actions force the yet-to-be Governor of KAL-EE-FORN-EE-YAHH to go on a rampage involving handheld rocket launchers and grenade guns to save his daughter. During this entire movie, Arnold had one expression, the expression of: I am keeping my composure externally, but internally I am consumed only with the desire to break you in half.

That was the mask Andrei wore on the court last night.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Aside from over-playing Fisher and playing Brewer not at all, Sloan handled Game 6 about as well as you could have hoped. His rotations actually enabled AK to be himself.

In the last column, I mentioned that AK is clearly not a small forward. None of his strengths on either end of the court will be utilized in the 3 spot role. In Sloan’s traditional offense, small forwards shoot three pointers, set screens in the paint, or come off screens in the middle of the floor to launch floating jumpers.

None of these task are AK strengths.

Kirilenko's passing skills are by-far his greatest offensive weapon. If Andrei is going to score 10 – 15 points a game, he needs to slash to the hoop from the high post (while playing the power forward) or back up smaller defenders in the low post (while serving time at shooting guard). Either of these roles allow Andrei to pass to cutters, or throw the ball out to the wing for outside shooters. Most of last night Andrei played shooting guard, not small forward. And, that is why it worked.

It took Sloan only 88 games to decipher what needed to be done, but last night he actually used the Jazz’s most talented lineup for long stretches: Williams, AK, Millsap, Boozer, Okur. Those are the five best defensive players are the roster.

One spectacular defender (AK), one solid in (Williams), one on his way to being something special (Millsap), and two trying their darndest but will never be more than mediocre (Boozer and Okur).

You can live with that mix—and, you can win with it as well.

Andrei and Millsap bring so many intangible positives to the game. Any time you can get two guys like on the floor at the same time, the team is going to succeed. What do they say? The eighty-eighth time is the charm? None of that matters now. The Rocket’s have kidnapped AK’s daughter. Once you get Commando going, he can’t stop until all the bad guys are dead.

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[1] On a side note, I miss the Mohawk with the rattail flopping around in the back—it fit in so perfectly with the young, irascible, uncontrollable persona Andrei had that year.

[2] It was some variation of the “Rebel Patriot” theme, anyway.

Obsessive and Deprived in Salt Lake: Sloan’s insanity cheats fanzz of historic showdown with Warriors

I felt like I had written the script to Game 5…Despite it all, Kirilenko perseveres and puts forth a remarkable comeback campaign. Near the end of the fourth, AK throws a jaw-dropping pass to Boozer for an easy lay in. Only he and Magic could have pulled it off. When it leaves his hands you think, “Oh my god! No. No. NO.” Then you realize all along he knew what he was doing and your expression of horror turns to jubilation.

The bucket brings the Jazz within one point. Rather than stick with Kirilenko who is obviously hot, Sloan calls a play for his counterpart Harpring. BRICK. The next possession, coach Sloan takes AK out in favor of Derek Fisher. The Fishbot immediately comes barreling down the floor committing an obvious offensive foul. Turn over. Game over.

The off-season should be here by week’s end. Kevin O’Connor’s most difficult task this summer will be temporarily relocating the Jazz practice facility and headquarters. Sloan must be kept at a safe distance, until someone can fill out the paperwork for a restraining order.

Once that is finished, O’Connor faces some rough personnel choices. Boozer, AK, and Okur simply cannot coexist. This is okay. Really, it is. . .Boozer’s trade value is higher than it will ever be. Maybe O’Connor could swindle the number one pick from the Celts. Durant would look pretty incredible on the Jazz bench playing behind Fisher…if Danny Ainge actually wants to keep his job, there are many other options. I can’t tell you how many times I put Boozer for Ray Allen and Mohamed Sene[1] into the trade machine last February.

Kevin, why can’t the future Jazz starting line-up look like this: Williams, Brewer, AK, Millsap, Okur? What would be wrong with that? Please tell me why that wouldn’t work? All of them are good, or at least solid, defenders. All could provide 14 – 18 points a game, none of them are selfish, and all play well together. Further, they are all athletes who can play multiple positions. This is the obvious future of NBA basketball. If you don’t accept where history is moving, it will leave you behind.

In the long run, the Jazz need a slow low-post scorer like Boozer about as much as they need the cylon twins. Am I the only one who notices how much better the team fairs when Millsap is on the floor?

Millsap and AK are cut from the same unconventional cloth. Neither fits the bill of a classic forward at either the four or three spot, but both are great teammates who do all the little things that actually win ball games. Mike D’Antoni found a way to fit four unconventional athletes into a regular rotation where each average at least 31 minutes a night (Stoudemire, Marion, Diaw, and Barbosa). Why can’t the Jazz do the same with AK, Millsap, and Brewer?

Millsap, who I am today dubbing “the Perfect Soldier,”[2] is a cross between Denis Rodman and Horace Grant. He’ll never be the scorer that Boozer is, but the Jazz don’t need him to be!. . . Williams can score, Brewer could score if ever he didn’t know about Sloan’s secret, Okur can score, and AK does score if allowed to slash to the hoop, or play in the post. . .Kirilenko is not going to put up points at small forward. Why? Because the position does not provide any favorable mismatches. (If AK plays the two spot, he posts up smaller defenders. At the four spot, he’s too quick and he’ll take you off the dribble. Where as at small forward, he stands ignored at the 3 point line until his mind wanders from the game to the plot of the latest Russian pop novel.)

Smart teams figure out a way to put their best basketball players on the floor in a way that suits there unique talents. Preferably, players who can perform at both ends of the court. I’m not fooled by all the steals Boozer has been racking up, and neither should you. C-Bozz LLC could not block a shot if it was teed up for him. This a problem when paired next to Okur who roams the key like Mark Eaton drove to the hoop.[3]

There is no doubt Boozer is talented. Twelve years ago, he would have been a power forward for the ages. But that was twelve years ago, this is the age where Don Nelson looks like a genius. Nontraditional is soon to become traditional. Funny how that works.

You can call Nellie a gimmick coach if you want, but his up tempo, breakneck, mismatch style is no more of a gimmick than Sloan’s hard-nosed, slow-it-down, break-your-neck ploy. The difference being, Nellie's gimmick appears to be working.

It’s too bad we’ll be deprived of a Pepsi challenge of “Gimmick A” versus “Gimmick B.” It would be most entertaining. The two best crowds in the NBA competing for lunatic supremacy? Who wouldn’t want to see that. Also, the series would provide the most intriguing point guard match up since Magic versus Stockton, or Magic versus Isiah. Both Williams and Davis are big strong modern floor generals. Davis is the established veteran and Williams is the up-and-coming future. There would be more drama there than any series since the 1998 finals.

I will never forgive Sloan for allowing his love affair with mechanical impostors to prevent this match up from taking place.

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[1] Sene is needed to make the salaries match up. There is decent chance he could useful as well. I saw him play in the Rocky Mountain Revue and he may never have much offense, but he is a shot blocker that could be a good Ying to Okur’s Yang.. .Don’t go too far with that concept.

[2] When Sloan was recently asked what he likes most about Millsap, he said “When you ask him to do something, he never asks ‘why.’ ” In journalism, this is what is called, "The telling detail."

[3] However, Okur’s one-on-one defense against Yao has been as good as you could possibly hope for.

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part IV

He looks lost, barely a shell of what once was. There are glimpses of the man at full strength, but most of the time when you look into his eyes the message is clear: the best days are behind him.

That’s right, I’m talking about Jerry Sloan.

Facial expressions indicating deep contemplative thought were never his forte, it is true. However, these days when you look at the Jazz bench there is an old man staring off into space. A grandpa figure who looks like he’d rather be watching the game at home in a Lazboy, chuckling at the “Road Redwood” furniture ads and taking the occasional pipe break on the porch of his Evansville farmhouse.[1]

I’m not saying this to be mean, really I’m not. It just looks like it is finally time for Sloan to call it a day.

Listen, we’ve all tried to come up with some pretty fantastical explanations for his choice of playing Harpring over Kirilenko, Fisher over Brewer, Collins over the ball boy…but Occam’s razor must apply here: he is simply not paying attention.

Sloan’s brain is working at about 40 percent capacity, due to equal parts obstinacy and exhaustion. Since the 12-1 start, Sloan’s appetite for development has become progressively smaller. You can tell from the circles under his eyes that staying awake is no longer easy.

I know what happens to me when I’m hungry and tired, key premises of daily life escape me. The need for sleep and a full stomach cloud my vision. I’m awake but I don’t trust my own judgment. I’m a stranger on a distant beach capable of shooting an Arab…or, in this case, playing Derek Fisher at shooting guard.

As fellow humans we ought to cut him a little slack, but we won’t because he’s a public figure. We’re Americans, so we’ll rip him to pieces and pee on the remains.

It is clear Sloan is telling the truth, when he says, “I’m not a mood coach, I’m not equipped to deal with that.” We should give him credit for admitting as much, but the modern NBA coach needs to be capable of handling such complicated detail-oriented tasks as “motivation.”

Sloan should take a few mouthfuls of the sour liquid he insists his players swallow, I think its called “responsibility.” Today, basketball is a billionaire enterprise and coaching includes psychological, emotional, and maybe even new age non-denominational spiritual preparation.[2]

You can call Dr. Phil a fraud (I do all the time) but he has struck a chord with the way many people feel, and that is lonely. In America these days, people are consumed by a dread that there is nowhere to turn. As such, they respond better to touchy feely, than they do to fix-it-yourself-you-maggot drill sergeant impersonators.

In the Tribune, Sloan admitted he, “probably hasn’t gotten [Kirilenko] into a position where he’s as comfortable as he would like to be.” Sloan also admits, shamelessly, he has had only minimal communication with Andrei since he complained in mid-season that he didn’t understand his role.

Masha Kirilenko suggested part of the problem might be her husband’s less-than-complete command of the English language. An interesting prospect, indeed.[3] Andrei’s wife thinks an interpreter might solve some of the communication issues.

Unfortunately, Masha, you are assuming good faith on the part of Sloan. No matter what language Andrei uses, the lines of communication are not open. When asked why he won’t design a system catered to AK’s talents, Sloan has reacted like his 10-year-old child just asked why the neighbors dogs are “stuck together.”

I don’t have time for any of that rigamarole! Figure it out yourself, son. My way, or the highway. You don’t like it? Find yourself another place to cry. These shoulders weren’t made for tear drying… Bruising, Andrei. These shoulders were made for bruising.

A player’s input is not welcome in Sloan’s coaching world. Authority must be total at all times. Questions are the equivalent of challenging the judgment of the great John Deere himself.

Jerry, you want to know what you gotta love, or leave? — Modernity, baby. If you shun the world, it shuns you back. The old must make way for the new. It’s simply the law of give and take. In Jerry speak, “that’s just the way it goes.”

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[1] A fantasy soon to be a reality?

[2] Think Phil Jackson.

[3] Crazy enough, my niece is in the same pre-school as Fyodor, Andrei’s son. Fyodor barely speaks English. The poor teacher has to spend half of the class time making hand gestures to explain to this nine-foot tall six-year-old what is going on. The Kirilenko family’s commitment to American assimilation is less than 100 percent, and as you know. .. in America everything must be super-sized 110 percent!

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part III

After breaking down in tears yesterday, Andrei Kirilenko’s career may take a drastic turn for the worse. Andrei has been degraded a lot this year by his own organization. I would cry too.

The Jazz’s best defender and most unique talent has seen his minutes drastically reduced this season. Why? Because his play has been that bad? No. Not really. The answer is simple: Sloan is trying to recreate the era of Stockton and Malone wholesale. Through Williams and Boozer, the Frankenstein’s monster has taken on a remarkably disturbing life.

During Boozergate, Sloan decided his team would again pound the ball inside to a slower, shorter, even more boring, but equally self-centered version of the Mailman. Meanwhile AK is told to stand on the perimeter and take jump shots, something that’s never been his strength.

Although they have been teammates for three years, this season is the first time Boozer and AK have both been healthy in the same season.[1] In 2004, Sloan already had a brilliant, modern power forward in Kirilenko. However, once given the opportunity, Sloan chose a low post, Boozer-centered team over an AK-led free flowing Princeton offense squad.

Last season, when Williams was benched for long stretches in favor of two journeymen now on the NBA’s unemployment rolls, Sloan was crafting a new toy—Stockton version II. Deron wasn’t quite sure he wanted to be “Stock 2.0.” Occasionally, he wanted to look for his own shot. Tisk. Tisk. Sloan said from the sidelines.

Sloan has been given a lot of praise for making Williams into a disciplined player. Some of this may be true, but an equal part of Deron’s rookie campaign was Sloan demanding that he cram himself into a pair of Stockton’s proverbial short shorts.

Due to Boozer’s many injuries and Williams’ initial reluctance, the actualization of the Stockton-to-Malone sequel was postponed until this year. But last November it all came together for Sloan. Andrei Kirilenko found himself the odd man out.

When Andrei played with Stockton and Malone, he was a bit player. This role is precisely where he has returned (If you look at Andrei’s statistics this season, they are almost identical to the years where he was playing with the twosome enshrined on the corner of 300 West and 100 South).

Kirilenko’s shooting woes have received a lot of press this season, but his current field goal percentage is better than it was last year and two of his previous years—including his best season overall, the 2003-04 campaign.[2] AK-47 is a once in a lifetime defensive talent. Not since Russell, or Olajawon’s 1994 campaign, has any defensive player had such a dynamic impact on a game. Pippen was close, but I’ll still take the 2003-2004 version of Andrei over anyone other than Russell. Provided with the right situation on the court, there is no reason why he is not capable of that same level of play.

Andrei saved the Jazz franchise from complete embarrassment once the two cornerstones moved on. However, today Sloan has decreased Kirilenko's minutes, touches, and really made no effort to move toward arranging the team around AK’s unique talents. All things considered, AK hasn’t really caused much of a fuss about dropping completely off Sloan’s radar. In this super-star celebrity centered world, he has been a very good sport. Kirilenko hasn’t fought back, or attacked Sloan. He hasn't even asked for more shots. In January, he simply requested that Sloan involve him more in the game.

Coach, um, the season is half way over and you obviously aren’t running any plays for me, or even letting me touch the ball. I’m the second best passer on the team and you never let me handle the rock. ..my role has changed, could you please explain what it is that I am supposed to do in this system?

Really, this is all Andrei asked.

Andrei should watch his words, the owner stated. The local media concurred. But, how could Kirilenko have handled it any more professionally? Further, why doesn’t Andrei understand his role? — because Sloan does not understand Andrei’s role. He has given it no attention whatsoever. Instead, he has shifted back to the old ways doing of things during the Jazz heydays of the late-1990s.

When Stock and the Mailman retired, Sloan was a divorcee on the rebound. He was willing to entertain AK’s hijinks when they were his only option. He dated AK, but he’s marrying Williams and Boozer. Now that Sloan’s got the babe he wants, the Coach does not return AK’s phone calls. Sloan would like to move on, and forget the AK-47 affair ever occurred.

When Stock and Malone were around, there was no Andrei-the-undeniable-havoc reeker to incorporate into his rigid system. In Sloan's preferred system, big men are given the ball in the post, and tough-minded guards set screens for cutters who take jumps shots when lay-ups aren't available. In this old-school offense, there was no role for a gangly slashing, passing, shot-blocking forward.

The conventional system is the situation Sloan knows best and will always choose when given an option. The mohawk, the letting your man go past you on purpose so you can block his shot from behind, the wild drives into the lane for an even wilder dish off…all that stuff made Sloan a bit nervous. Now it’s back to the tried-and-true pick and roll.

Andrei Kirilenko is as earnest a figure as you will find in pro sports. He feels confused, betrayed, and more than anything, hurt. From his perspective, the Jazz signed him to a max deal. It is fair to assume a team would only sign someone to big money, if they are committed to developing and utilizing their talents. The fact that Kirilenko was dealing with a small market team more hesitant than most to open their wallet, probably reinforced the commitment Andrei felt he had.

This season should have been AK’s coming out party. As with the Oscars or the Emmies, talent usually must wait a few years before getting proper recognition. The Defensive Player of the Year award that he should have won in 03-04? That award was supposed to be his this year. It was Andrei’s turn. The first NBA player to put up a 5-5 stat line in the post-season? That should have been his as well. He has every right to be upset.

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[1] In 2004-05, Andrei was injured for the first half of the season, Boozer was injured for the second half. Last season, Boozer was injured for two-thirds of the season and once he did come back his minutes were severely limited due to the recovery process.

[2] Meanwhile Fisher, an actual perimeter player, is shooting 39 percent, yet he receives no public scoldings from Sloan as Andrei has endured the entire year. Fisher hasn’t been getting the job done all season, but you get the feeling if Sloan could make cylon clones out of he and Harpring they would never be taken out of the game.