Go-go gadget comeback! The real AK-47 returns, this time he means 'business'

After three air balls in a row in the third quarter, I sent a text to my friend Caleb reading, “Is Derek Fisher bad enough to lose this game all by himself? That is the question.” Forever the pessimist, I thought a Beniot-for-3 collapse was imminent. Ten minutes later. . .

“Oh god, Andrei!

Holy crap. Kirilenko!!

O-MY-GOD, AK!!!”

My girlfriend came into the living room and said, “Wow, why don’t you scream my name like that?” Last night, Kirilenko’s triumphant return to form was so good, I blushed.

That was the old Andrei we saw. The one from 2003-2004 when the team still wore those putrescent purple and copper uniforms with the snowflake belt buckle sown into the shorts and the visage of Wasatch mountain triangles on the sidewalls.

Remember the man who came devilishly close to a 5x5 stat line nearly every night? The man who overnight captured the attention of every fantasy basketball player in America? Last night we saw that underneath it all, that man is still there … the young kid so skinny and hyper he looks more like a meth addtict than a basketball player. The one who’s eyes narrow and develop an expression of intense focus.[1]

I must make a difference on every play. That ball is my ball. You may have it for the moment, but I will get it back. The expression on Andrei’s face is so forceful, it can be read no other way.

Remember the movie Commando? The flick where Schwarzenegger is an ex-navy seal special operative assassin[2] who decides all of a sudden to retire. For whatever reason, the generic bad guys kidnap his daughter. Big mistake.

The bad guys’ actions force the yet-to-be Governor of KAL-EE-FORN-EE-YAHH to go on a rampage involving handheld rocket launchers and grenade guns to save his daughter. During this entire movie, Arnold had one expression, the expression of: I am keeping my composure externally, but internally I am consumed only with the desire to break you in half.

That was the mask Andrei wore on the court last night.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Aside from over-playing Fisher and playing Brewer not at all, Sloan handled Game 6 about as well as you could have hoped. His rotations actually enabled AK to be himself.

In the last column, I mentioned that AK is clearly not a small forward. None of his strengths on either end of the court will be utilized in the 3 spot role. In Sloan’s traditional offense, small forwards shoot three pointers, set screens in the paint, or come off screens in the middle of the floor to launch floating jumpers.

None of these task are AK strengths.

Kirilenko's passing skills are by-far his greatest offensive weapon. If Andrei is going to score 10 – 15 points a game, he needs to slash to the hoop from the high post (while playing the power forward) or back up smaller defenders in the low post (while serving time at shooting guard). Either of these roles allow Andrei to pass to cutters, or throw the ball out to the wing for outside shooters. Most of last night Andrei played shooting guard, not small forward. And, that is why it worked.

It took Sloan only 88 games to decipher what needed to be done, but last night he actually used the Jazz’s most talented lineup for long stretches: Williams, AK, Millsap, Boozer, Okur. Those are the five best defensive players are the roster.

One spectacular defender (AK), one solid in (Williams), one on his way to being something special (Millsap), and two trying their darndest but will never be more than mediocre (Boozer and Okur).

You can live with that mix—and, you can win with it as well.

Andrei and Millsap bring so many intangible positives to the game. Any time you can get two guys like on the floor at the same time, the team is going to succeed. What do they say? The eighty-eighth time is the charm? None of that matters now. The Rocket’s have kidnapped AK’s daughter. Once you get Commando going, he can’t stop until all the bad guys are dead.

---

[1] On a side note, I miss the Mohawk with the rattail flopping around in the back—it fit in so perfectly with the young, irascible, uncontrollable persona Andrei had that year.

[2] It was some variation of the “Rebel Patriot” theme, anyway.

Derek Fisher, agent of Satan? ...or, how Utah County District 65 showed that the Jazz can save the universe

Ed’s note: I started this post before Thursday's game, but was unable to publish it because I had to stay up late reporting on this story for a media outlet that will remain nameless. The LINKS ARE NOT OPTIONAL. Be patient, it’s going somewhere …and yes, I was on a natural high when I wrote it.

Okay, I’ve figured it out. I had the first part down, but had not quite put together the second piece of the puzzle until now. I have Don Larsen of Utah County District 65 to thank for my revelations.

Mr. Larsen has shown me the light—not only is Satan behind the current wave of illegal immigration, he is also responsible for Jerry Sloan’s preference for Derek Fisher and Matt Harpring. It’s the only rational explanation.

Derek Fisher is a succubus robot sent by Satan-worshiping, Ralph Nader-brainwashed cylons to destroy the Utah Jazz from the inside. ..Harpring is one of their sleeper agents, a ticking time bomb just waiting to miss a lay-up or commit an offensive foul when the game is on the line. It was so obvious and yet I couldn’t see it clearly, until now…

These two humanoid machines were sent by the cylons from the not-so distant future in an effort to gain control of humanity’s new home, planet Gliese. The planet’s light takes 20 years to arrive in earth’s telescopes. Astronomers have no idea what is currently taking place on the surface of Gliese. But, Mr. Larsen’s ideas illustrate the possibility earth colonies have already been settled, but are currently involved in a bloody war for control with Satan-worshipping cylon immigrants.

Mr. Larsen says Starbucks and Stock-to-Malone car dealerships on Gliese are at risk from a horde of cylon machines spawned by colonists in an effort to avoid immigrant labor. How the flesh-covered machines found the writings of Ralph Nader, no one knows. However, it might have started with Thursday’s speech at Utah Valley State College!

The cylons became voracious in their desire to destroy freedom and the intergalactic corporations which bring the world electrifying ad slogans and naming rights agreements that empower citizens in the new Happy Valley at the far end of the universe. However, due to the overwhelming will power of a lingering Midwestern work ethic, the machines are losing.

The machines have only one hope in their dastardly plot to bring universal healthcare and fluoridated water to the galaxy: Time Travel. After studying human history, the cylons identified one man and one moment representing the bastion of traditional, old-school conservative thought. In a sea of decadence, only this stalwart remains true to form. That man is Jerry Sloan. That moment is the 2007 NBA playoffs.

In order for the cylons to win, Jerry Sloan and the Utah Jazz must be stopped. They cannot win the 2007 NBA championship. You see…when the Jazz combined the energy and athleticism of Andrei Kirilenko, Ronnie Brewer, and Paul Millsap into a disciplined defense, yet flexible fun-to-watch offense their surprising championship inspired not only the sports world, but the WTO, the World Bank, and Rupert Murdoch himself. World culture stood on its head. . .People all over the globe began believing anything was possible. Old school and new school can compliment each other! People finally said to themselves.

Liberals and conservatives don’t have to fight. We can work together for the good of each other. It was a collective epiphany leading to peace, prosperity, and Starbucks coffee that actually tastes good. Humanity became stronger and more balanced than anyone every thought possible…and, it all had to do with a stroke of luck where the traditionalist Utah Jazz were provided with the kind of new age athletes the fanzz had always dreamed about.

Traveling back in time, the cylons identified all of Sloan’s weak points—puritan concepts of hard work, experience, and determination. Those things are easily faked they decided. All a player has to do is stay extra hours in the gym building muscle mass which is actually not very useful in the finesse-filled game of hoops. However, Sloan misinterprets such physicality as a sign of hard work. To display phony determination the machines were directed to dive headfirst toward the ball with limbs flailing whenever possible.

During a Rocky Mountain Revue game, the cylons discovered a brief flaw in their plan… The Rafael Araujo humanoid dove for a ball while he was at the scores table with his warm-up jacket still on. The basket-bots needed a little tinkering, they decided.

The new directive became: only throw yourself on the floor after being checked into the game, otherwise flail as much as possible.

The Harp-bot skin job was especially pleasing to Sloan. Eventually the coach was unable to resist the siren call of hustling, but ineffective machines.

David Stern and NBA officials were confused, but reticent. It did seem odd to play a football tight end in a basketball game. Starting an aging point-guard at the two spot was equally weird, but who was going to complain? The opposing coaches?

The cylons had thought of everything…except one thing. What, you ask? Don Larsen, that’s what.

---