Below is the transcript of the conversation my brother and I had last night at half time of the Jazz vs. Warriors Game 2. I provide it in hopes this little window into my madness will provide you with as much joy as it does for my brother.DDD: “Wow. The last four games have been unbelievable. I called it all the way. If you give AK the ball and let him run the show, he produces like the old AK and we win. Really. I have to give a lot of credit. . .to myself.”
DDD: “I do have special powers. I cry about AK needing to handle the ball more. Like clock work, Sloan starts giving him touches on nearly every possession ... I complain that Sloan should trust Deron more and stop trying to force him into becoming a Stockton clone. Ten days later, Sloan starts publicly pronouncing his ultimate confidence in Deron’s decision making. I say Brewer needs just one opportunity to show his worth—and magically fate provides a set of circumstances where Sloan has no choice but to insert him into the game.”
39&1/2 feet: “So, just for the sake of your favorite player getting a few extra minutes you used these powers to give Fisher’s daughter to some bizarre form of cancer? — And then for Okur to nearly paralyze Dee?”
DDD: “Well. I have yet to hone this power. I didn’t wish for any of that, but if Harpring had come down with the plague I would have had to admit a different answer.”
Yeah, we’re a special pair. Sloan is adjusting his game plan and relinquishing control to a second-year player. The most conservative and controlling coach in American sports is suddenly matching Nellie fastbreak for fastbreak. Is this really happening? If so, how can it be explained? The way I see it there are only three plausible explanations.
First, someone from the Jazz coaching staff could be checking out the blogosphere for ideas. Possible, flattering, but highly doubtful. When Amaechi accused Sloan of writing homophobic emails, I believed the coach when he said, “I don’t even know how to work email.” There’s no reason to question the honestly of that statement.
The second possibility? The religion I founded a few days ago, called slackosophy, is gaining millions of converts even though I have put zero effort into recruitment. This growth has led to a strengthening of my powers (unbeknownst to me) leading to my godlike intimacy with a higher order that rules all earthly matter. This scenario seems reasonable enough so we’ll keep it around just in case there is more anecdotal evidence that could be utilized in an infomercial of some sort.
A little story is necessary to adequately explain the third possibility … A few years back while I was still living in New York, I had a massage therapist whose body resided in Brooklyn, but her spirit was living out a life as a Bay Area hippy. Even though my words were muffled by the cheeks of the massage table, from our conversations she concluded that I needed help thinking positively (big surprise). She recommended a book to me, Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn. I told her I would compromise, if she would read Kierkegaard while listening to the complete works of Minor Threat (this is the first teaching of slackosophy) then I would read Grabhorn.
Like most hippies, she didn’t hold up her part of the bargain, but I struggled through 200 pages of Grabhorn’s ideas. Her theory was akin to The Secret book that appeared on Oprah. A variation of the guru self-help nonsense about “laws of attraction” and the power of positive thoughts. The concept is simple: if you think it enough, it will happen; no matter what it is—good or bad—if you give it enough thought, it will happen at some point.
If you think enough about being an astronaut, sooner or later astronautics (is that a word?) will happen for you. If you spend all day thinking about good sex, sooner or later, good sex will take place. On the flip side, if you spend all day fretting about the fact that you are in a shrinking media industry with no appreciation for your unique abilities, then unappreciated you will remain and a failure you will become. I’m not sure if that last sentence was on the page or just in my head.
Grabhorn’s ideas were supposed to be uplifting, but instead they were scaring the frak out of me. I put down the book and promised never return to think these terrifying concepts.
However, in light of the last few weeks, I’ve given Grabhorn’s ideas some more thought. . .and here’s my existentialist conclusion: thoughts, whether acknowledged or not, can have an impact. The basketball gods are listening. The message is getting through. Sloan realizes this team is the most-talented he’s ever coached. The rumors about Larry Miller getting on his back? Kirilenko possibly going into early retirement? Boozer threatening not to sign another contract because of Sloan’s dictatorial style? It doesn’t matter whether these rumors are true.
For decades, “Sloan the magnificent” faced zero criticism in the local intelligentsia and minimal resistance from his star players. Not the case any more. This is Jerry’s last chance for a championship and he knows it. Good thing for him (and us) it’s also the best shot he’s ever had.
--DDD
(The man known as “39&1/2 feet” contributed to this post.)
2 comments:
The plague has been found in Colorado squirrels. Retire this blog.
MC, does your "jazzizzazzed" blog have anything posted, or is just a forum for your polka dot fixation?
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