Sloan's about-face and the power of negative thinking: I have special and terrifying powers

Below is the transcript of the conversation my brother and I had last night at half time of the Jazz vs. Warriors Game 2. I provide it in hopes this little window into my madness will provide you with as much joy as it does for my brother.

DDD: “Wow. The last four games have been unbelievable. I called it all the way. If you give AK the ball and let him run the show, he produces like the old AK and we win. Really. I have to give a lot of credit. . .to myself.”

39&1/2 feet: “That’s very brave of you to take all the credit. It takes tremendous courage to acknowledge your own genius.”

DDD: “ I agree. You know what I’ve discovered?”

39&1/2 feet — giggling audibly—: “ No, what?”

DDD: “I do have special powers. I cry about AK needing to handle the ball more. Like clock work, Sloan starts giving him touches on nearly every possession ... I complain that Sloan should trust Deron more and stop trying to force him into becoming a Stockton clone. Ten days later, Sloan starts publicly pronouncing his ultimate confidence in Deron’s decision making. I say Brewer needs just one opportunity to show his worth—and magically fate provides a set of circumstances where Sloan has no choice but to insert him into the game.”

39&1/2 feet: “So, just for the sake of your favorite player getting a few extra minutes you used these powers to give Fisher’s daughter to some bizarre form of cancer? — And then for Okur to nearly paralyze Dee?”

DDD: “Well. I have yet to hone this power. I didn’t wish for any of that, but if Harpring had come down with the plague I would have had to admit a different answer.”

Yeah, we’re a special pair. Sloan is adjusting his game plan and relinquishing control to a second-year player. The most conservative and controlling coach in American sports is suddenly matching Nellie fastbreak for fastbreak. Is this really happening? If so, how can it be explained? The way I see it there are only three plausible explanations.

First, someone from the Jazz coaching staff could be checking out the blogosphere for ideas. Possible, flattering, but highly doubtful. When Amaechi accused Sloan of writing homophobic emails, I believed the coach when he said, “I don’t even know how to work email.” There’s no reason to question the honestly of that statement.

The second possibility? The religion I founded a few days ago, called slackosophy, is gaining millions of converts even though I have put zero effort into recruitment. This growth has led to a strengthening of my powers (unbeknownst to me) leading to my godlike intimacy with a higher order that rules all earthly matter. This scenario seems reasonable enough so we’ll keep it around just in case there is more anecdotal evidence that could be utilized in an infomercial of some sort.

A little story is necessary to adequately explain the third possibility … A few years back while I was still living in New York, I had a massage therapist whose body resided in Brooklyn, but her spirit was living out a life as a Bay Area hippy. Even though my words were muffled by the cheeks of the massage table, from our conversations she concluded that I needed help thinking positively (big surprise). She recommended a book to me, Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn. I told her I would compromise, if she would read Kierkegaard while listening to the complete works of Minor Threat (this is the first teaching of slackosophy) then I would read Grabhorn.

Like most hippies, she didn’t hold up her part of the bargain, but I struggled through 200 pages of Grabhorn’s ideas. Her theory was akin to The Secret book that appeared on Oprah. A variation of the guru self-help nonsense about “laws of attraction” and the power of positive thoughts. The concept is simple: if you think it enough, it will happen; no matter what it is—good or bad—if you give it enough thought, it will happen at some point.

If you think enough about being an astronaut, sooner or later astronautics (is that a word?) will happen for you. If you spend all day thinking about good sex, sooner or later, good sex will take place. On the flip side, if you spend all day fretting about the fact that you are in a shrinking media industry with no appreciation for your unique abilities, then unappreciated you will remain and a failure you will become. I’m not sure if that last sentence was on the page or just in my head.

Grabhorn’s ideas were supposed to be uplifting, but instead they were scaring the frak out of me. I put down the book and promised never return to think these terrifying concepts.

However, in light of the last few weeks, I’ve given Grabhorn’s ideas some more thought. . .and here’s my existentialist conclusion: thoughts, whether acknowledged or not, can have an impact. The basketball gods are listening. The message is getting through. Sloan realizes this team is the most-talented he’s ever coached. The rumors about Larry Miller getting on his back? Kirilenko possibly going into early retirement? Boozer threatening not to sign another contract because of Sloan’s dictatorial style? It doesn’t matter whether these rumors are true.

For decades, “Sloan the magnificent” faced zero criticism in the local intelligentsia and minimal resistance from his star players. Not the case any more. This is Jerry’s last chance for a championship and he knows it. Good thing for him (and us) it’s also the best shot he’s ever had.

--DDD

(The man known as “39&1/2 feet” contributed to this post.)

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part III

After breaking down in tears yesterday, Andrei Kirilenko’s career may take a drastic turn for the worse. Andrei has been degraded a lot this year by his own organization. I would cry too.

The Jazz’s best defender and most unique talent has seen his minutes drastically reduced this season. Why? Because his play has been that bad? No. Not really. The answer is simple: Sloan is trying to recreate the era of Stockton and Malone wholesale. Through Williams and Boozer, the Frankenstein’s monster has taken on a remarkably disturbing life.

During Boozergate, Sloan decided his team would again pound the ball inside to a slower, shorter, even more boring, but equally self-centered version of the Mailman. Meanwhile AK is told to stand on the perimeter and take jump shots, something that’s never been his strength.

Although they have been teammates for three years, this season is the first time Boozer and AK have both been healthy in the same season.[1] In 2004, Sloan already had a brilliant, modern power forward in Kirilenko. However, once given the opportunity, Sloan chose a low post, Boozer-centered team over an AK-led free flowing Princeton offense squad.

Last season, when Williams was benched for long stretches in favor of two journeymen now on the NBA’s unemployment rolls, Sloan was crafting a new toy—Stockton version II. Deron wasn’t quite sure he wanted to be “Stock 2.0.” Occasionally, he wanted to look for his own shot. Tisk. Tisk. Sloan said from the sidelines.

Sloan has been given a lot of praise for making Williams into a disciplined player. Some of this may be true, but an equal part of Deron’s rookie campaign was Sloan demanding that he cram himself into a pair of Stockton’s proverbial short shorts.

Due to Boozer’s many injuries and Williams’ initial reluctance, the actualization of the Stockton-to-Malone sequel was postponed until this year. But last November it all came together for Sloan. Andrei Kirilenko found himself the odd man out.

When Andrei played with Stockton and Malone, he was a bit player. This role is precisely where he has returned (If you look at Andrei’s statistics this season, they are almost identical to the years where he was playing with the twosome enshrined on the corner of 300 West and 100 South).

Kirilenko’s shooting woes have received a lot of press this season, but his current field goal percentage is better than it was last year and two of his previous years—including his best season overall, the 2003-04 campaign.[2] AK-47 is a once in a lifetime defensive talent. Not since Russell, or Olajawon’s 1994 campaign, has any defensive player had such a dynamic impact on a game. Pippen was close, but I’ll still take the 2003-2004 version of Andrei over anyone other than Russell. Provided with the right situation on the court, there is no reason why he is not capable of that same level of play.

Andrei saved the Jazz franchise from complete embarrassment once the two cornerstones moved on. However, today Sloan has decreased Kirilenko's minutes, touches, and really made no effort to move toward arranging the team around AK’s unique talents. All things considered, AK hasn’t really caused much of a fuss about dropping completely off Sloan’s radar. In this super-star celebrity centered world, he has been a very good sport. Kirilenko hasn’t fought back, or attacked Sloan. He hasn't even asked for more shots. In January, he simply requested that Sloan involve him more in the game.

Coach, um, the season is half way over and you obviously aren’t running any plays for me, or even letting me touch the ball. I’m the second best passer on the team and you never let me handle the rock. ..my role has changed, could you please explain what it is that I am supposed to do in this system?

Really, this is all Andrei asked.

Andrei should watch his words, the owner stated. The local media concurred. But, how could Kirilenko have handled it any more professionally? Further, why doesn’t Andrei understand his role? — because Sloan does not understand Andrei’s role. He has given it no attention whatsoever. Instead, he has shifted back to the old ways doing of things during the Jazz heydays of the late-1990s.

When Stock and the Mailman retired, Sloan was a divorcee on the rebound. He was willing to entertain AK’s hijinks when they were his only option. He dated AK, but he’s marrying Williams and Boozer. Now that Sloan’s got the babe he wants, the Coach does not return AK’s phone calls. Sloan would like to move on, and forget the AK-47 affair ever occurred.

When Stock and Malone were around, there was no Andrei-the-undeniable-havoc reeker to incorporate into his rigid system. In Sloan's preferred system, big men are given the ball in the post, and tough-minded guards set screens for cutters who take jumps shots when lay-ups aren't available. In this old-school offense, there was no role for a gangly slashing, passing, shot-blocking forward.

The conventional system is the situation Sloan knows best and will always choose when given an option. The mohawk, the letting your man go past you on purpose so you can block his shot from behind, the wild drives into the lane for an even wilder dish off…all that stuff made Sloan a bit nervous. Now it’s back to the tried-and-true pick and roll.

Andrei Kirilenko is as earnest a figure as you will find in pro sports. He feels confused, betrayed, and more than anything, hurt. From his perspective, the Jazz signed him to a max deal. It is fair to assume a team would only sign someone to big money, if they are committed to developing and utilizing their talents. The fact that Kirilenko was dealing with a small market team more hesitant than most to open their wallet, probably reinforced the commitment Andrei felt he had.

This season should have been AK’s coming out party. As with the Oscars or the Emmies, talent usually must wait a few years before getting proper recognition. The Defensive Player of the Year award that he should have won in 03-04? That award was supposed to be his this year. It was Andrei’s turn. The first NBA player to put up a 5-5 stat line in the post-season? That should have been his as well. He has every right to be upset.

---

[1] In 2004-05, Andrei was injured for the first half of the season, Boozer was injured for the second half. Last season, Boozer was injured for two-thirds of the season and once he did come back his minutes were severely limited due to the recovery process.

[2] Meanwhile Fisher, an actual perimeter player, is shooting 39 percent, yet he receives no public scoldings from Sloan as Andrei has endured the entire year. Fisher hasn’t been getting the job done all season, but you get the feeling if Sloan could make cylon clones out of he and Harpring they would never be taken out of the game.