Colonel Miller not fooled by Kirilenko's Soviet plot

The Jazz have handled this Kirilenko guy with the utmost maturity. They've yelled at him, told him he’s lazy, and said he has no idea what he is talking about. When he whined about what he "needs to be successful," they explained that rational deliberation is for wusses. What more more can they do?

What part of "it’s not going to happen," doesn't this Ruskie get? What do the Jazz need to do to communicate to this guy that they mean business? Our way or the highway, you know. Accommodation is not an option. You’re either with or against us. Do as we say, no questions asked. If not for that bastard, Billy Hunter, they could try dunking his head under water for a few minutes and acting like they weren't going to bring it up until he screams, "I can't hold Matt Harpring's jockstrap!"

We all know about Kirilenko's weak knees and friendship with John Amaechi, but given the Jazz brass's history making basketball stars feel incredibly appreciated--Dantley, Malone, Boozer, and Williams NEVER had any problems--there has to be more to this conflict. Why else would they not waiver in any way? The rumors could be true ... Andrei Kirilenko could be a bioterrorist sleeper agent. He might hate Freedom and the American way.

"I vill crush manifest destiny," he was once heard to say. I’m told he drives a Prius! He is Russian, don't forget. And, we all know what a lazy, gutless lot they are. . .Russian? Puh shah. Didn’t they just lay down and die in WWII? Help us! Help us! They screamed while our brave boys went in and saved the world for democracy. Maybe the esteemed Mr. Miller should remind Andrei, that if not America he could be speaking German right now!

The second head growing out of Miller's elbow known as Dr. Kennis (originally Merkwürdigliebe, but changed out of patriotism--damn right) has graciously constructed diagrams that prove Andrei drinks vodka, and not water, at half time. A flowchart by Dr. Kennis also shows Mr. Kirilenko is trying to buy water rights across the Mountain West and blame it on Salt Lake City -- which begs the question: if Kirilenko spent just a little less time trying to ruin America, couldn't he be a better basketball player?

Miller knows for a fact Kirilenko is against the missile defense shield. Like an idiot he says it will start something he calls an "arms race." If only the Ruskies would ever learn, but they won't. Kelly Tripuka and Kent Benson might need to be brought in for a seminar. Anything would be better then an insubordinate young Russian who dares to endanger the proprietary interests of the Utah Jazz ... and if the rumors are true, the coco cola company.

Go-go gadget comeback! The real AK-47 returns, this time he means 'business'

After three air balls in a row in the third quarter, I sent a text to my friend Caleb reading, “Is Derek Fisher bad enough to lose this game all by himself? That is the question.” Forever the pessimist, I thought a Beniot-for-3 collapse was imminent. Ten minutes later. . .

“Oh god, Andrei!

Holy crap. Kirilenko!!

O-MY-GOD, AK!!!”

My girlfriend came into the living room and said, “Wow, why don’t you scream my name like that?” Last night, Kirilenko’s triumphant return to form was so good, I blushed.

That was the old Andrei we saw. The one from 2003-2004 when the team still wore those putrescent purple and copper uniforms with the snowflake belt buckle sown into the shorts and the visage of Wasatch mountain triangles on the sidewalls.

Remember the man who came devilishly close to a 5x5 stat line nearly every night? The man who overnight captured the attention of every fantasy basketball player in America? Last night we saw that underneath it all, that man is still there … the young kid so skinny and hyper he looks more like a meth addtict than a basketball player. The one who’s eyes narrow and develop an expression of intense focus.[1]

I must make a difference on every play. That ball is my ball. You may have it for the moment, but I will get it back. The expression on Andrei’s face is so forceful, it can be read no other way.

Remember the movie Commando? The flick where Schwarzenegger is an ex-navy seal special operative assassin[2] who decides all of a sudden to retire. For whatever reason, the generic bad guys kidnap his daughter. Big mistake.

The bad guys’ actions force the yet-to-be Governor of KAL-EE-FORN-EE-YAHH to go on a rampage involving handheld rocket launchers and grenade guns to save his daughter. During this entire movie, Arnold had one expression, the expression of: I am keeping my composure externally, but internally I am consumed only with the desire to break you in half.

That was the mask Andrei wore on the court last night.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Aside from over-playing Fisher and playing Brewer not at all, Sloan handled Game 6 about as well as you could have hoped. His rotations actually enabled AK to be himself.

In the last column, I mentioned that AK is clearly not a small forward. None of his strengths on either end of the court will be utilized in the 3 spot role. In Sloan’s traditional offense, small forwards shoot three pointers, set screens in the paint, or come off screens in the middle of the floor to launch floating jumpers.

None of these task are AK strengths.

Kirilenko's passing skills are by-far his greatest offensive weapon. If Andrei is going to score 10 – 15 points a game, he needs to slash to the hoop from the high post (while playing the power forward) or back up smaller defenders in the low post (while serving time at shooting guard). Either of these roles allow Andrei to pass to cutters, or throw the ball out to the wing for outside shooters. Most of last night Andrei played shooting guard, not small forward. And, that is why it worked.

It took Sloan only 88 games to decipher what needed to be done, but last night he actually used the Jazz’s most talented lineup for long stretches: Williams, AK, Millsap, Boozer, Okur. Those are the five best defensive players are the roster.

One spectacular defender (AK), one solid in (Williams), one on his way to being something special (Millsap), and two trying their darndest but will never be more than mediocre (Boozer and Okur).

You can live with that mix—and, you can win with it as well.

Andrei and Millsap bring so many intangible positives to the game. Any time you can get two guys like on the floor at the same time, the team is going to succeed. What do they say? The eighty-eighth time is the charm? None of that matters now. The Rocket’s have kidnapped AK’s daughter. Once you get Commando going, he can’t stop until all the bad guys are dead.

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[1] On a side note, I miss the Mohawk with the rattail flopping around in the back—it fit in so perfectly with the young, irascible, uncontrollable persona Andrei had that year.

[2] It was some variation of the “Rebel Patriot” theme, anyway.

Obsessive and Deprived in Salt Lake: Sloan’s insanity cheats fanzz of historic showdown with Warriors

I felt like I had written the script to Game 5…Despite it all, Kirilenko perseveres and puts forth a remarkable comeback campaign. Near the end of the fourth, AK throws a jaw-dropping pass to Boozer for an easy lay in. Only he and Magic could have pulled it off. When it leaves his hands you think, “Oh my god! No. No. NO.” Then you realize all along he knew what he was doing and your expression of horror turns to jubilation.

The bucket brings the Jazz within one point. Rather than stick with Kirilenko who is obviously hot, Sloan calls a play for his counterpart Harpring. BRICK. The next possession, coach Sloan takes AK out in favor of Derek Fisher. The Fishbot immediately comes barreling down the floor committing an obvious offensive foul. Turn over. Game over.

The off-season should be here by week’s end. Kevin O’Connor’s most difficult task this summer will be temporarily relocating the Jazz practice facility and headquarters. Sloan must be kept at a safe distance, until someone can fill out the paperwork for a restraining order.

Once that is finished, O’Connor faces some rough personnel choices. Boozer, AK, and Okur simply cannot coexist. This is okay. Really, it is. . .Boozer’s trade value is higher than it will ever be. Maybe O’Connor could swindle the number one pick from the Celts. Durant would look pretty incredible on the Jazz bench playing behind Fisher…if Danny Ainge actually wants to keep his job, there are many other options. I can’t tell you how many times I put Boozer for Ray Allen and Mohamed Sene[1] into the trade machine last February.

Kevin, why can’t the future Jazz starting line-up look like this: Williams, Brewer, AK, Millsap, Okur? What would be wrong with that? Please tell me why that wouldn’t work? All of them are good, or at least solid, defenders. All could provide 14 – 18 points a game, none of them are selfish, and all play well together. Further, they are all athletes who can play multiple positions. This is the obvious future of NBA basketball. If you don’t accept where history is moving, it will leave you behind.

In the long run, the Jazz need a slow low-post scorer like Boozer about as much as they need the cylon twins. Am I the only one who notices how much better the team fairs when Millsap is on the floor?

Millsap and AK are cut from the same unconventional cloth. Neither fits the bill of a classic forward at either the four or three spot, but both are great teammates who do all the little things that actually win ball games. Mike D’Antoni found a way to fit four unconventional athletes into a regular rotation where each average at least 31 minutes a night (Stoudemire, Marion, Diaw, and Barbosa). Why can’t the Jazz do the same with AK, Millsap, and Brewer?

Millsap, who I am today dubbing “the Perfect Soldier,”[2] is a cross between Denis Rodman and Horace Grant. He’ll never be the scorer that Boozer is, but the Jazz don’t need him to be!. . . Williams can score, Brewer could score if ever he didn’t know about Sloan’s secret, Okur can score, and AK does score if allowed to slash to the hoop, or play in the post. . .Kirilenko is not going to put up points at small forward. Why? Because the position does not provide any favorable mismatches. (If AK plays the two spot, he posts up smaller defenders. At the four spot, he’s too quick and he’ll take you off the dribble. Where as at small forward, he stands ignored at the 3 point line until his mind wanders from the game to the plot of the latest Russian pop novel.)

Smart teams figure out a way to put their best basketball players on the floor in a way that suits there unique talents. Preferably, players who can perform at both ends of the court. I’m not fooled by all the steals Boozer has been racking up, and neither should you. C-Bozz LLC could not block a shot if it was teed up for him. This a problem when paired next to Okur who roams the key like Mark Eaton drove to the hoop.[3]

There is no doubt Boozer is talented. Twelve years ago, he would have been a power forward for the ages. But that was twelve years ago, this is the age where Don Nelson looks like a genius. Nontraditional is soon to become traditional. Funny how that works.

You can call Nellie a gimmick coach if you want, but his up tempo, breakneck, mismatch style is no more of a gimmick than Sloan’s hard-nosed, slow-it-down, break-your-neck ploy. The difference being, Nellie's gimmick appears to be working.

It’s too bad we’ll be deprived of a Pepsi challenge of “Gimmick A” versus “Gimmick B.” It would be most entertaining. The two best crowds in the NBA competing for lunatic supremacy? Who wouldn’t want to see that. Also, the series would provide the most intriguing point guard match up since Magic versus Stockton, or Magic versus Isiah. Both Williams and Davis are big strong modern floor generals. Davis is the established veteran and Williams is the up-and-coming future. There would be more drama there than any series since the 1998 finals.

I will never forgive Sloan for allowing his love affair with mechanical impostors to prevent this match up from taking place.

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[1] Sene is needed to make the salaries match up. There is decent chance he could useful as well. I saw him play in the Rocky Mountain Revue and he may never have much offense, but he is a shot blocker that could be a good Ying to Okur’s Yang.. .Don’t go too far with that concept.

[2] When Sloan was recently asked what he likes most about Millsap, he said “When you ask him to do something, he never asks ‘why.’ ” In journalism, this is what is called, "The telling detail."

[3] However, Okur’s one-on-one defense against Yao has been as good as you could possibly hope for.