Obsessive and Deprived in Salt Lake: Sloan’s insanity cheats fanzz of historic showdown with Warriors

I felt like I had written the script to Game 5…Despite it all, Kirilenko perseveres and puts forth a remarkable comeback campaign. Near the end of the fourth, AK throws a jaw-dropping pass to Boozer for an easy lay in. Only he and Magic could have pulled it off. When it leaves his hands you think, “Oh my god! No. No. NO.” Then you realize all along he knew what he was doing and your expression of horror turns to jubilation.

The bucket brings the Jazz within one point. Rather than stick with Kirilenko who is obviously hot, Sloan calls a play for his counterpart Harpring. BRICK. The next possession, coach Sloan takes AK out in favor of Derek Fisher. The Fishbot immediately comes barreling down the floor committing an obvious offensive foul. Turn over. Game over.

The off-season should be here by week’s end. Kevin O’Connor’s most difficult task this summer will be temporarily relocating the Jazz practice facility and headquarters. Sloan must be kept at a safe distance, until someone can fill out the paperwork for a restraining order.

Once that is finished, O’Connor faces some rough personnel choices. Boozer, AK, and Okur simply cannot coexist. This is okay. Really, it is. . .Boozer’s trade value is higher than it will ever be. Maybe O’Connor could swindle the number one pick from the Celts. Durant would look pretty incredible on the Jazz bench playing behind Fisher…if Danny Ainge actually wants to keep his job, there are many other options. I can’t tell you how many times I put Boozer for Ray Allen and Mohamed Sene[1] into the trade machine last February.

Kevin, why can’t the future Jazz starting line-up look like this: Williams, Brewer, AK, Millsap, Okur? What would be wrong with that? Please tell me why that wouldn’t work? All of them are good, or at least solid, defenders. All could provide 14 – 18 points a game, none of them are selfish, and all play well together. Further, they are all athletes who can play multiple positions. This is the obvious future of NBA basketball. If you don’t accept where history is moving, it will leave you behind.

In the long run, the Jazz need a slow low-post scorer like Boozer about as much as they need the cylon twins. Am I the only one who notices how much better the team fairs when Millsap is on the floor?

Millsap and AK are cut from the same unconventional cloth. Neither fits the bill of a classic forward at either the four or three spot, but both are great teammates who do all the little things that actually win ball games. Mike D’Antoni found a way to fit four unconventional athletes into a regular rotation where each average at least 31 minutes a night (Stoudemire, Marion, Diaw, and Barbosa). Why can’t the Jazz do the same with AK, Millsap, and Brewer?

Millsap, who I am today dubbing “the Perfect Soldier,”[2] is a cross between Denis Rodman and Horace Grant. He’ll never be the scorer that Boozer is, but the Jazz don’t need him to be!. . . Williams can score, Brewer could score if ever he didn’t know about Sloan’s secret, Okur can score, and AK does score if allowed to slash to the hoop, or play in the post. . .Kirilenko is not going to put up points at small forward. Why? Because the position does not provide any favorable mismatches. (If AK plays the two spot, he posts up smaller defenders. At the four spot, he’s too quick and he’ll take you off the dribble. Where as at small forward, he stands ignored at the 3 point line until his mind wanders from the game to the plot of the latest Russian pop novel.)

Smart teams figure out a way to put their best basketball players on the floor in a way that suits there unique talents. Preferably, players who can perform at both ends of the court. I’m not fooled by all the steals Boozer has been racking up, and neither should you. C-Bozz LLC could not block a shot if it was teed up for him. This a problem when paired next to Okur who roams the key like Mark Eaton drove to the hoop.[3]

There is no doubt Boozer is talented. Twelve years ago, he would have been a power forward for the ages. But that was twelve years ago, this is the age where Don Nelson looks like a genius. Nontraditional is soon to become traditional. Funny how that works.

You can call Nellie a gimmick coach if you want, but his up tempo, breakneck, mismatch style is no more of a gimmick than Sloan’s hard-nosed, slow-it-down, break-your-neck ploy. The difference being, Nellie's gimmick appears to be working.

It’s too bad we’ll be deprived of a Pepsi challenge of “Gimmick A” versus “Gimmick B.” It would be most entertaining. The two best crowds in the NBA competing for lunatic supremacy? Who wouldn’t want to see that. Also, the series would provide the most intriguing point guard match up since Magic versus Stockton, or Magic versus Isiah. Both Williams and Davis are big strong modern floor generals. Davis is the established veteran and Williams is the up-and-coming future. There would be more drama there than any series since the 1998 finals.

I will never forgive Sloan for allowing his love affair with mechanical impostors to prevent this match up from taking place.

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[1] Sene is needed to make the salaries match up. There is decent chance he could useful as well. I saw him play in the Rocky Mountain Revue and he may never have much offense, but he is a shot blocker that could be a good Ying to Okur’s Yang.. .Don’t go too far with that concept.

[2] When Sloan was recently asked what he likes most about Millsap, he said “When you ask him to do something, he never asks ‘why.’ ” In journalism, this is what is called, "The telling detail."

[3] However, Okur’s one-on-one defense against Yao has been as good as you could possibly hope for.

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part IV

He looks lost, barely a shell of what once was. There are glimpses of the man at full strength, but most of the time when you look into his eyes the message is clear: the best days are behind him.

That’s right, I’m talking about Jerry Sloan.

Facial expressions indicating deep contemplative thought were never his forte, it is true. However, these days when you look at the Jazz bench there is an old man staring off into space. A grandpa figure who looks like he’d rather be watching the game at home in a Lazboy, chuckling at the “Road Redwood” furniture ads and taking the occasional pipe break on the porch of his Evansville farmhouse.[1]

I’m not saying this to be mean, really I’m not. It just looks like it is finally time for Sloan to call it a day.

Listen, we’ve all tried to come up with some pretty fantastical explanations for his choice of playing Harpring over Kirilenko, Fisher over Brewer, Collins over the ball boy…but Occam’s razor must apply here: he is simply not paying attention.

Sloan’s brain is working at about 40 percent capacity, due to equal parts obstinacy and exhaustion. Since the 12-1 start, Sloan’s appetite for development has become progressively smaller. You can tell from the circles under his eyes that staying awake is no longer easy.

I know what happens to me when I’m hungry and tired, key premises of daily life escape me. The need for sleep and a full stomach cloud my vision. I’m awake but I don’t trust my own judgment. I’m a stranger on a distant beach capable of shooting an Arab…or, in this case, playing Derek Fisher at shooting guard.

As fellow humans we ought to cut him a little slack, but we won’t because he’s a public figure. We’re Americans, so we’ll rip him to pieces and pee on the remains.

It is clear Sloan is telling the truth, when he says, “I’m not a mood coach, I’m not equipped to deal with that.” We should give him credit for admitting as much, but the modern NBA coach needs to be capable of handling such complicated detail-oriented tasks as “motivation.”

Sloan should take a few mouthfuls of the sour liquid he insists his players swallow, I think its called “responsibility.” Today, basketball is a billionaire enterprise and coaching includes psychological, emotional, and maybe even new age non-denominational spiritual preparation.[2]

You can call Dr. Phil a fraud (I do all the time) but he has struck a chord with the way many people feel, and that is lonely. In America these days, people are consumed by a dread that there is nowhere to turn. As such, they respond better to touchy feely, than they do to fix-it-yourself-you-maggot drill sergeant impersonators.

In the Tribune, Sloan admitted he, “probably hasn’t gotten [Kirilenko] into a position where he’s as comfortable as he would like to be.” Sloan also admits, shamelessly, he has had only minimal communication with Andrei since he complained in mid-season that he didn’t understand his role.

Masha Kirilenko suggested part of the problem might be her husband’s less-than-complete command of the English language. An interesting prospect, indeed.[3] Andrei’s wife thinks an interpreter might solve some of the communication issues.

Unfortunately, Masha, you are assuming good faith on the part of Sloan. No matter what language Andrei uses, the lines of communication are not open. When asked why he won’t design a system catered to AK’s talents, Sloan has reacted like his 10-year-old child just asked why the neighbors dogs are “stuck together.”

I don’t have time for any of that rigamarole! Figure it out yourself, son. My way, or the highway. You don’t like it? Find yourself another place to cry. These shoulders weren’t made for tear drying… Bruising, Andrei. These shoulders were made for bruising.

A player’s input is not welcome in Sloan’s coaching world. Authority must be total at all times. Questions are the equivalent of challenging the judgment of the great John Deere himself.

Jerry, you want to know what you gotta love, or leave? — Modernity, baby. If you shun the world, it shuns you back. The old must make way for the new. It’s simply the law of give and take. In Jerry speak, “that’s just the way it goes.”

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[1] A fantasy soon to be a reality?

[2] Think Phil Jackson.

[3] Crazy enough, my niece is in the same pre-school as Fyodor, Andrei’s son. Fyodor barely speaks English. The poor teacher has to spend half of the class time making hand gestures to explain to this nine-foot tall six-year-old what is going on. The Kirilenko family’s commitment to American assimilation is less than 100 percent, and as you know. .. in America everything must be super-sized 110 percent!