Showing posts with label Matt Harpring cylon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Matt Harpring cylon. Show all posts

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Jazz and their 'Newspeak Arena' have the best crowd in the NBA

I can’t hear you, let’s get loud in here! A figure on a giant screen demands this from you. The screen hovers in the center of a massive gathering. Happy and forceful compliance is replied by tens of thousands of people dressed in uniformity.

It sounds like the start of a book by George Orwell or Aldous Huxley, but it is in fact the current trend sweeping the NBA playoffs.

Last spring, when the Miami Heat made their surprising championship run, one simple-yet-clever marketing campaign transformed a sleepy uninvolved crowd into an intimidating and unified monster. The Heat’s marketing folks provided the entire lower bowl of their arena with all white T-shirts. Rather than seeing high-priced lawyers, trophy wives, and corporate executives, Heat opponents saw thousands of angry jurors staring back at them.

These days, in Salt Lake’s own Newspeak Arena — excuse me, “Energy Solutions” — thousands of faces blend into one. A sea of powder blue T-shirts take on the quality of a school of fish. Let’s go Jazz! The mass of blue shouts.

Last week, the Utah Jazz marketing team followed Miami’s lead and passed out baby blue shirts to their entire lower bowl. With the Jazz on board, the Leni Riefenstahl era of the NBA officially began—American professional sports teams are delving into a new phase with deep sociological meaning. For some reason, sports marketers are now taking cues from famous military propagandists and public manipulators.

Historically, militaristic regimes have used massive coordinated demonstrations to inspire awe in friends and intimidation in foes. (In the early 1930s, Hitler and Mussolini’s public relations men took advantage of this sociological phenomenon on their way to conquering Europe.) However, let’s not get carried away. The sea of Jazz blue is just a harmless visual metaphor, right? Massive coordinated demonstrations of collective identity do not have to be violent or sinister—they can be utilized in pastel and even sponsored by a large corporation (what could be more benign?). The Jazz are again back on top and that’s what’s most important, isn’t it?

Perhaps, but while the Jazz may not have faced a superior basketball team in their Western Conference semifinal against the Golden State Warriors, their Bay Area opponent offered a better way to encourage fan enthusiasm.

After enduring a dozen losing seasons, the public relations folks at the Warriors adopted the slogan, “We Believe.” They inscribed the phrase on thousands of yellow T-shirts that were given out to their entire arena at the beginning of the playoffs.

The Golden State slogan was dreamt up by super-fan, Paul Wong, who started selling homemade placards outside the arena earlier this spring. As the popularity of Wong’s idea caught on, the Warrior’s management snapped it up. The response was a marketers dream. Yellow “We Believe” shirts with a giant Comcast cable logo on the backside (the side the TV camera sees) became the hottest thing in town. Columnists and commentators around the Bay Area began writing about how the Warriors had united the town in a way they’d never seen before.

Meanwhile the Jazz’s current slogan “It’s Electrifying!” does not inspire ticket sales, but unintentional comedy. As is the case for Utah and most national trends, we’re still a little behind the curve. The massive T-shirt campaign isn’t our own, we are just borrowing it.

The Jazz have some of the best fans in the NBA and may have a legitimate shot at the NBA title, but as an organization they have a long way to go as far as utilizing the impressive fan culture that already exists.

There is a ground swell of intelligent, funny, and insightful Jazz fanatics and their energies are just waiting to be tapped. The Jazz should hone this creativity rather than resist, or ignore it. Here are a few simple and easily adopted suggestions:

Rather than give fans uniforms so they can fit into an impressive television display, set up more public viewing areas so those who can’t afford the high ticket prices can watch together. Inside the arena, encourage a culture of authenticity. Bring back a live band, like the one they used to have in the old Salt Palace.

Try turning off the canned noise, video advertisements, and constant clamber from the Jumbotron. The loudest and most intimidating noise comes from a knowledgeable and fanatical crowd naturally responding to the game. The giant screen only functions like an insulting Sesame Street for adults. (Check out this clip of Greek basketball fans -- this is what happens when you combine the real fan culture of soccer and put it in a basketball arena; thank 39&1/2 feet for sending this).


When the Jazz marketers distributed their free blue tees to only the lower half of the arena (the portion visible to TV cameras), they illustrated that cutting costs is more important to them than disrespecting their loyal fans. I realize many of my suggestions might seem cost inefficient, so I have one last one: learn a key lesson from the recent Golden State experience—allow real fan culture to grow into something unique, then repackage and sell it back to the community.

Golden State’s “We Believe” campaign became infectious because it felt real. The organization looked to the community for direction, rather than constructing directives and imposing them on their audience. Instead of copying some other teams idea of what real fans look like, the Jazz simply need to give their true fans the space and opportunity to create their own reasons to believe.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Derek Fisher, agent of Satan? ...or, how Utah County District 65 showed that the Jazz can save the universe

Ed’s note: I started this post before Thursday's game, but was unable to publish it because I had to stay up late reporting on this story for a media outlet that will remain nameless. The LINKS ARE NOT OPTIONAL. Be patient, it’s going somewhere …and yes, I was on a natural high when I wrote it.

Okay, I’ve figured it out. I had the first part down, but had not quite put together the second piece of the puzzle until now. I have Don Larsen of Utah County District 65 to thank for my revelations.

Mr. Larsen has shown me the light—not only is Satan behind the current wave of illegal immigration, he is also responsible for Jerry Sloan’s preference for Derek Fisher and Matt Harpring. It’s the only rational explanation.

Derek Fisher is a succubus robot sent by Satan-worshiping, Ralph Nader-brainwashed cylons to destroy the Utah Jazz from the inside. ..Harpring is one of their sleeper agents, a ticking time bomb just waiting to miss a lay-up or commit an offensive foul when the game is on the line. It was so obvious and yet I couldn’t see it clearly, until now…

These two humanoid machines were sent by the cylons from the not-so distant future in an effort to gain control of humanity’s new home, planet Gliese. The planet’s light takes 20 years to arrive in earth’s telescopes. Astronomers have no idea what is currently taking place on the surface of Gliese. But, Mr. Larsen’s ideas illustrate the possibility earth colonies have already been settled, but are currently involved in a bloody war for control with Satan-worshipping cylon immigrants.

Mr. Larsen says Starbucks and Stock-to-Malone car dealerships on Gliese are at risk from a horde of cylon machines spawned by colonists in an effort to avoid immigrant labor. How the flesh-covered machines found the writings of Ralph Nader, no one knows. However, it might have started with Thursday’s speech at Utah Valley State College!

The cylons became voracious in their desire to destroy freedom and the intergalactic corporations which bring the world electrifying ad slogans and naming rights agreements that empower citizens in the new Happy Valley at the far end of the universe. However, due to the overwhelming will power of a lingering Midwestern work ethic, the machines are losing.

The machines have only one hope in their dastardly plot to bring universal healthcare and fluoridated water to the galaxy: Time Travel. After studying human history, the cylons identified one man and one moment representing the bastion of traditional, old-school conservative thought. In a sea of decadence, only this stalwart remains true to form. That man is Jerry Sloan. That moment is the 2007 NBA playoffs.

In order for the cylons to win, Jerry Sloan and the Utah Jazz must be stopped. They cannot win the 2007 NBA championship. You see…when the Jazz combined the energy and athleticism of Andrei Kirilenko, Ronnie Brewer, and Paul Millsap into a disciplined defense, yet flexible fun-to-watch offense their surprising championship inspired not only the sports world, but the WTO, the World Bank, and Rupert Murdoch himself. World culture stood on its head. . .People all over the globe began believing anything was possible. Old school and new school can compliment each other! People finally said to themselves.

Liberals and conservatives don’t have to fight. We can work together for the good of each other. It was a collective epiphany leading to peace, prosperity, and Starbucks coffee that actually tastes good. Humanity became stronger and more balanced than anyone every thought possible…and, it all had to do with a stroke of luck where the traditionalist Utah Jazz were provided with the kind of new age athletes the fanzz had always dreamed about.

Traveling back in time, the cylons identified all of Sloan’s weak points—puritan concepts of hard work, experience, and determination. Those things are easily faked they decided. All a player has to do is stay extra hours in the gym building muscle mass which is actually not very useful in the finesse-filled game of hoops. However, Sloan misinterprets such physicality as a sign of hard work. To display phony determination the machines were directed to dive headfirst toward the ball with limbs flailing whenever possible.

During a Rocky Mountain Revue game, the cylons discovered a brief flaw in their plan… The Rafael Araujo humanoid dove for a ball while he was at the scores table with his warm-up jacket still on. The basket-bots needed a little tinkering, they decided.

The new directive became: only throw yourself on the floor after being checked into the game, otherwise flail as much as possible.

The Harp-bot skin job was especially pleasing to Sloan. Eventually the coach was unable to resist the siren call of hustling, but ineffective machines.

David Stern and NBA officials were confused, but reticent. It did seem odd to play a football tight end in a basketball game. Starting an aging point-guard at the two spot was equally weird, but who was going to complain? The opposing coaches?

The cylons had thought of everything…except one thing. What, you ask? Don Larsen, that’s what.