Colonel Miller not fooled by Kirilenko's Soviet plot

The Jazz have handled this Kirilenko guy with the utmost maturity. They've yelled at him, told him he’s lazy, and said he has no idea what he is talking about. When he whined about what he "needs to be successful," they explained that rational deliberation is for wusses. What more more can they do?

What part of "it’s not going to happen," doesn't this Ruskie get? What do the Jazz need to do to communicate to this guy that they mean business? Our way or the highway, you know. Accommodation is not an option. You’re either with or against us. Do as we say, no questions asked. If not for that bastard, Billy Hunter, they could try dunking his head under water for a few minutes and acting like they weren't going to bring it up until he screams, "I can't hold Matt Harpring's jockstrap!"

We all know about Kirilenko's weak knees and friendship with John Amaechi, but given the Jazz brass's history making basketball stars feel incredibly appreciated--Dantley, Malone, Boozer, and Williams NEVER had any problems--there has to be more to this conflict. Why else would they not waiver in any way? The rumors could be true ... Andrei Kirilenko could be a bioterrorist sleeper agent. He might hate Freedom and the American way.

"I vill crush manifest destiny," he was once heard to say. I’m told he drives a Prius! He is Russian, don't forget. And, we all know what a lazy, gutless lot they are. . .Russian? Puh shah. Didn’t they just lay down and die in WWII? Help us! Help us! They screamed while our brave boys went in and saved the world for democracy. Maybe the esteemed Mr. Miller should remind Andrei, that if not America he could be speaking German right now!

The second head growing out of Miller's elbow known as Dr. Kennis (originally Merkwürdigliebe, but changed out of patriotism--damn right) has graciously constructed diagrams that prove Andrei drinks vodka, and not water, at half time. A flowchart by Dr. Kennis also shows Mr. Kirilenko is trying to buy water rights across the Mountain West and blame it on Salt Lake City -- which begs the question: if Kirilenko spent just a little less time trying to ruin America, couldn't he be a better basketball player?

Miller knows for a fact Kirilenko is against the missile defense shield. Like an idiot he says it will start something he calls an "arms race." If only the Ruskies would ever learn, but they won't. Kelly Tripuka and Kent Benson might need to be brought in for a seminar. Anything would be better then an insubordinate young Russian who dares to endanger the proprietary interests of the Utah Jazz ... and if the rumors are true, the coco cola company.