The ideal candidate will have the following skills, or mindset:
- The ability to explain why Craig Bolerjack is the anti-Christ.
- An understanding of rudimentary basketball mechanics, i.e. Dee Brown is not a NBA shooting guard—nor does the fact Matt Harpring “goes about 230” have anything to do with being a “basketball player.”
- A sincere appreciation of the semantic power of the word “fragile,” e.g. when applied to the Jazz it represents the balance Sloan teeters between functionality and complete overwhelming Alzheimer.
- An agreement that Kevin O'Connor bringing Derek Fisher to the Jazz was a mistake on par with trading Dell Curry.
- A compulsive need to develop a cartoon featuring Jerry Sloan and Matt Harping as “Tractor Man” and “Plow Boy” a la Captain Planet; the pair circle the globe to re-educate villainous young basketball players who dare to dunk the ball, move laterally on the perimeter, and only fall on the court when actually necessary.
Experience:
Must have numerous published clips, preferably long-form or literary journalism … or, the desire to write scattered surreal rants on sports or western cultural topics worthless to most, if not all, long form and literary journals.
Education:
- An advanced degree in journalism they sort of regret getting…and maybe even another graduate degree they also aren't sure was the right move.
- Alternately, enough home schooling to know John Hollinger is paid way too much, Steve Luhm is the Armstrong Williams of the local sports media, and the "Brad Rock--the 'Rock Monster' ” ad campaign was previously the most consistent unintentional comedy moment of any Jazz broadcast, but may soon be replaced by the new “It’s Electrifying!” playoff television spot.[1]
[1] Larry Miller is wearing earmuff headphones while whistling the song “Hustle” out of tune for what seems like five minutes. He is swaying back and forth in front of a white background as if he was mentally challenged—which he would have to be keep Sloan gainfully employed for going on two decades.
4 comments:
That is quite the list of requirements you have set up.
That commercial is golden.
By golden, I mean a huge marketing mistake.
Fisher sucks.
Looking forward to the playoffs update. Quite a night from Sloan.
I don't fit all the criteria, but would be willing to take a shot, since most of my rants are against the folks like Hollinger and the so-called "experts" who call research watching only the weekly nationally televised games on their own network.
On the other hand, I would take Larry in earmuff headphones attempting to dance if I could just get the image of him in that Jazz uniform with short shorts on out of my head.
I probably should have published some way of actually applying.
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