Retire Sloan: Adrian Dantley retirement ceremony play-by-play

Two of the biggest reasons I remain a Jazz addict have little to do with their performance on the court. First, the organization may now have nearly a billion dollars in assets, but there are still many provincial small town remnants to its operation that provide me with endless ironic joy.

The second reason? Despite being so very predictable, there are still a great many mysteries surrounding the organization – for instance, the size of Larry Miller’s left elbow (also see: Sloan’s Deep Dark Secret, post #1).

In this vein, I bring you a play-by-play of Adrian Dantley’s “Jersey Retirement Ceremony"...

In middle of the second quarter we are given an interview with Larry Miller where he says, “yeah, I was a little more hesitant than I should have been to get this done.” This qualifies as the largest understatement by a celebrity since Robert Mcnamara stated in The Fog of War documentary that, “using Agent Orange was maybe a bad idea.” A little hesitant, Larry? Try unbelievably so…can’t imagine why Sloan gets away with being “hesitant” to play Brewer.

Standing at half court, Hot Rod commands the attention of the crowd to introduce honorary guests, except the list he has been given does not match the order of the line. The mix up starts when John Stockton is announced as “Ron Bonne,” and then half of “AD’s ex-teammates” are introduced as if they were role playing at a swingers party, forcing them to stutter step backwards not knowing quite how to react. They then shake their heads while slapping hands with Dantley on the most important night of his life.

Then, for about five minutes AD’s high school coach lays on the praise. With five or six cameras in his face, it becomes quite apparent AD has a strange lip-piercing twitch which is almost painful to look at for too long. Clearly, it is the sign of a very anxious individual, and may be even OCD. An incredibly socially awkward habit that explains a lot. When you look at Dantley, all of a sudden you get the feeling that, to him, this is a job interview and the boss has 40,000 eyes.

As the next five speakers are handed the microphone, it becomes clear only Frank Layden and the high school coach actually came with a plan for what they were going to say and rehearsed it ahead of time. Sam Battistone, Larry Miller, and John Stockton figure they can just wing it. Stockton practically says “thanks AD” and pitches the microphone to Miller while running for cover back into the tunnel, where he peaks out from behind the rafters to observe the rest of the ceremony safely. Ok, that’s not true, but his speech lasted about ten seconds and none of it was memorable—a vintage Stockton public appearance.

Finally, AD is introduced by Hots as the “only Jazz player to average 29 points a game over his seven seasons with the Jazz—still a record.” Uh, yeah, I bet it is a record. Holy H-E-double-hockey-sticks! Boozer averages 20 or so now, and it seem like he scores 25 every game to offset the occasional off night…Dantley’s record will stand until Premier Stern institutes the upcoming rule where players can only play perimeter defense while standing on their heads.

Wearing a pin-striped suit that looks like it costs as much as the entire Mr. Mac organization, AD takes the microphone.[i] He puts up his hand up as if he is about to speak but is over-whelmed by applause. Dantley then does that weird lip-piercing thing, but now it’s a little clearer why he was doing it in the first place.

AD is on the verge of tears. He can barely hold it back. This wasn’t going to happen, he didn’t believe the day would ever come. Twenty one years. There was no reason to believe it would come, but here he is actually living the moment. Nightmares, dreams they all messed together in his mind around this one moment. He simply does not and cannot believe this is real.

After about three botched attempts to speak, he gathers himself and says, “good things happen to those who wait.” One of the most poignant and touching moments in sports I’ve seen in a long time. However, it was not my favorite of the night.

After Dantley graciously says a paragraph or two about all the other names hanging in the rafters[ii], we are not given a quasi-motivational speech about how to live your life through the lenses of an athlete (as we were with Malone’s JRC). Instead, AD gives us this, “Today, at our luncheon, I told Larry that with Phil Johnson and Sloan starting to get older…I expect a phone call. He better bring me in for the interview of the job with the Utah Jazz.”

While scratching his chin, Larry smiles with a face that says, “Don’t push your luck.” However, the second head growing out of his left elbow made a different expression which leads me to believe AD’s request is no longer far fetched.

[i] For a bonus…who remembers what the Mailman wore to his “jersey retirement ceremony"?

[ii] Including Hornacek and Maravich, whom he never played with, as well as Malone who was the main reason he was told to pack his bags in the first place (who was also conspicuously absent from the arena).