Colonel Miller not fooled by Kirilenko's Soviet plot

The Jazz have handled this Kirilenko guy with the utmost maturity. They've yelled at him, told him he’s lazy, and said he has no idea what he is talking about. When he whined about what he "needs to be successful," they explained that rational deliberation is for wusses. What more more can they do?

What part of "it’s not going to happen," doesn't this Ruskie get? What do the Jazz need to do to communicate to this guy that they mean business? Our way or the highway, you know. Accommodation is not an option. You’re either with or against us. Do as we say, no questions asked. If not for that bastard, Billy Hunter, they could try dunking his head under water for a few minutes and acting like they weren't going to bring it up until he screams, "I can't hold Matt Harpring's jockstrap!"

We all know about Kirilenko's weak knees and friendship with John Amaechi, but given the Jazz brass's history making basketball stars feel incredibly appreciated--Dantley, Malone, Boozer, and Williams NEVER had any problems--there has to be more to this conflict. Why else would they not waiver in any way? The rumors could be true ... Andrei Kirilenko could be a bioterrorist sleeper agent. He might hate Freedom and the American way.

"I vill crush manifest destiny," he was once heard to say. I’m told he drives a Prius! He is Russian, don't forget. And, we all know what a lazy, gutless lot they are. . .Russian? Puh shah. Didn’t they just lay down and die in WWII? Help us! Help us! They screamed while our brave boys went in and saved the world for democracy. Maybe the esteemed Mr. Miller should remind Andrei, that if not America he could be speaking German right now!

The second head growing out of Miller's elbow known as Dr. Kennis (originally Merkwürdigliebe, but changed out of patriotism--damn right) has graciously constructed diagrams that prove Andrei drinks vodka, and not water, at half time. A flowchart by Dr. Kennis also shows Mr. Kirilenko is trying to buy water rights across the Mountain West and blame it on Salt Lake City -- which begs the question: if Kirilenko spent just a little less time trying to ruin America, couldn't he be a better basketball player?

Miller knows for a fact Kirilenko is against the missile defense shield. Like an idiot he says it will start something he calls an "arms race." If only the Ruskies would ever learn, but they won't. Kelly Tripuka and Kent Benson might need to be brought in for a seminar. Anything would be better then an insubordinate young Russian who dares to endanger the proprietary interests of the Utah Jazz ... and if the rumors are true, the coco cola company.

Let Lebron play the point

The Jordan comparisons, everyone agrees are unfair. Kenny Smith says, "Lebron would really rather be more like Magic than Jordan. His instinct is to be more of a distributor -- he's just been forced into the [Jordan] role."

As we watch Kingpin Williams literally shrug off the Stockton suit¹ while simultaneously being declared part of the "new Stockton-to-Malone" by the national media, I can’t help but wonder why the Lebron controversy is also so one-dimensional.

Nobody questions his talent, but also nobody questions whether he has been put into a position to be all he can be. If distributing is what Lebron's best at, then why cram him into something else? ... Because he's a 6'9'' leaper he has to be a swingman? Maybe Lebron is better off taking over games in ways other than scoring. Why not let Lebron play the point?

He might not completely understand all the nuisances of being quarterback, but he could certainly learn ... what, he's not quick enough to beat opposing points off the dribble? Please. All the tools are there.

If you're the Cavs management, why not commit this next summer to honing Lebron's point skills? Hire Ervin to work with him three days a week. Let him know there's no going back. “Come November, Bron-Bron you’re our starting point guard. No more Eric Snow and Daniel Gibson. Sink or swim.”

If all the pressure is on Lebron, at least let him play the way he is most suited. This is where he should have been all along. He would rise to the challenge. Like Kirilenko, this man is one of the most unique talents basketball has ever seen -- and that talent is languishing before our eyes. Put him in a position (pun intended) to succeed. If Lebron is meant to live up to unconventional hype, it will take unconventional means.

---

1. By taking games over with his scoring ... still not sure whether Sloan has capitulated to this transformation, or Williams has gradually taken complete control over the team and there's now nothing Sloan can do about it. Through the grapevine, I hear more of the latter.

Second quarter letdown has nothing to do with Sloan's rotations

Nearly every analyst (if you can call them that) in the SLC sports press acknowledges that watching Game 2 looked like a replay of Game 1. From Kragthorpe at the Trib …

It was close for a quarter, then the Spurs took control, then the Jazz rallied, ultimately coming close enough to make the San Antonio crowd mildly nervous, and that’s all.

In both matches, the Spurs “took control” in the second quarter. The Jazz lost two playoff games in nearly identical fashions, at nearly identical points in the game, and identical line-ups on the floor (three loses in a row, if you count their March 30 meeting). The cause? The Jazz are just “young and inexperienced.” The reason they are losing has nothing to do with the coach’s strategy, his players simply need to play better. As Sloan says …

They have to get themselves going. I can’t do much about it. I can’t run for them. I can’t shoot for them. I can’t defend for them.

When Sloan says this, he isn’t being a hypocrite and shirking responsibility, it's just true—no matter what adjustments he might try, this team simply has no heart. The players just give up, especially Deron Williams (could we still bring back Milt Palacio?) It was a pure fluke when this team became the only Jazz squad in franchise history to win a Game 7 on the road and one of only 12 teams in NBA history to have fought back from a 2-0 deficit.

Alas, the coach is right not to attempt any major adjustments, it would risk proving a valuable point about effort to his young children … excuse me, “team” ... however, let’s play devil’s advocate and examine the line-up on the court during the second quarter letdown. For the hell of it, let’s start with the almost universally agreed upon basketball axioms, defense wins championships and in the playoffs, its all about match-ups. Given these two premises, just for shits and giggles, we’ll examine the worth of the Jazz unchanging second quarter line up.

Point guard – Kingpin; serviceable when playing one-on-one against larger point guards who he can body up, but a natural deficiency of lateral quickness makes it hard for him to keep with speedster points who drive in and around the hoop.

Opponent -- Tony Parker: along with Dwayne Wade he is known for being one of the slowest players in the league bar none.

Advantage: Jazz

Shooting guard – Derek Fisher. While actually a point guard playing out of position, he is remarkably successful guarding shooting guards. All year long NBA two guards feared the day when they would face the Utah Jazz. (Side note: when five shooting guards scored 50 or more points against him in the span of 5 weeks, it was discovered that said guards were in fact communist steroid users who were disbarred from ever playing NBA basketball again.)

Opponent -- Manu Ginoboli: strictly a jump shooter. Terrified to drive into the lane. Atrociously stupid player, makes constant avoidable mistakes. Has never shown the potential to improvise or abuse mismatches of any kind — more than anything, the Olympics proved this.

Advantage: Jazz

Small Forward – Matt Harpring: plays the best defense in the NBA when laying on his backside with his ankles broken. Unfortunately, all other times it appears as if he were posing as a cardboard cutout prop for a basketball instructional video. Still, toughness and a football player’s mentality more than make up for all the unnecessary flailing and offensive fouls he picks up regularly. Oddly enough, every single three-pointer by Bowen has mysteriously been made over Harpring's attentive arms after he scrambles back from help defense in the lane.

Opponent -- Bruce Bowen: one of the most transparent, inept, and inexperienced players in all of basketball. Not an ounce of craftiness in his entire body. When the game gets physical, Bowen runs for cover. Bodying him up has been known to knock him off his game every time. Simply hates physical play.

Advantage: Jazz

Power Forward – Boozer: a shot blocker extraordinaire. For some reason, he is able to make up for his lack of height and leaping ability. Even though he has modeled his game after the Mailman, he does not rely too heavily on taking swipes at the ball when players are going up for a shot -- he tends to meet people at the rim. Kirilenko may make the Sports Center highlight reels, but it is in fact Boozer who does most of the heavy lifting for the Jazz defense.

Opponent – Tim Duncan: quite frankly, the most impatient player in all of basketball. Known for his temper. Also, he is undersized for his position. Many analysts think he’d be better off playing the three spot than the four. Being guarded by a man standing 6’8’’ with normal-length arms is more than enough to keep him in tow. Once a journalist said he was the most versatile post player ever ... that writer however was revealed to have a personal vendetta against Jerry Sloan. He was discredited quickly.

Advantage: Jazz

Center – Jaron Collins: along with Kevin Garnett, Collins is widely considered one of the fastest players in the league over 6’10’’. In interviews earlier this week, Sloan said he would like to see some of the players try to bite the Spurs . As a Standford Alum, Collins is well-versed in nipping at player's ankles as they drive past him toward the hoop. Bill Walton called him the best ankle biter of the last twenty years.

Opponent: Fabricio Oberto: a slow prodding white player, reminiscent of Greg Ostertag. His main purpose is standing flat-footed in the middle of the lane. Oberto basically makes up for Duncan’s complete inability to prevent easy baskets. It is almost laughable to think of him quickly back-cutting for easy baskets.

Advantage: Jazz

In conclusion, the mystery continues ... there is every reason to believe that the Williams-Fisher-Harpring-Boozer-Collins line up will eventually pay defensive dividends. The Jazz second quarter player rotations should not be altered so either Andrei Kirilenko or Paul Millsap are on the floor at all times. Ronnie Brewer and Rafael Araujo are also simply worthless to this series and should remain on the bench at all times. The Jazz players simply need to play better.

NBA prevents "Basketball Bastille Day"... Greg Oden goes to the Celtics

Here’s why I’m confident proclaiming this at 5 pm Mountain Time: it’s just too good a storyline for the cosmos to deny it. Given a second chance to tank their way to success it ends up working out for Boston. I just can’t see Greg Oden anywhere else. He’s the next Bill Russell. In the same way the next Chamberlain (Shaq) found his way to the Lakers, and the next Mailman (Boozer) made his way to the Jazz, the next Russell will end up in green and white. Look, if the Celtics don’t get one of the top two picks they will have a storming of the Bastille on their hands and Bill Simmons' next book will be titled, "Dead and Unhappy: How Ping Pong Balls Destroyed a City." And who wants to see that? Nobody, not even David Stern. The NBA can’t afford to lose one of their best markets for another ten years. If there was ever karmic tolerance for a rigged ping pong ball, there is this year.

Memphis gets the number two pick because historically that’s just how things seem to work out for the worst team in the league …oh so close. Fortunately for the Grizzlies it’s Durant this time around. How appropriate would it be for Jerry West to announce his retirement and then have the next great perimeter player come along. A guy who is a cross between T-Mac and Kobe falls into his lap and he already said, “No thanks.”

You know how they say truth is stranger than fiction? Well, it truly is. Hubris, poetic justice… irony. Fate just has a way of making things fall into place. Barkley may not be have been conscious of it, but I’d bet this type of reasoning went into his decision to switch his WCF prediction last night. I just can’t see another Pistons/Spurs rematch. It would kill the NBA. Lebron faces his Judas on basketball's biggest stage. Now that’s a story line I can see happening. Can you imagine the ratings? The league needs it, that’s why these things will happen.

Sloan is no Popovich

The Spurs and Jazz are cut from the same cloth, we’re told. Both are successful despite operating in two of the NBA’s smallest markets. Both have long-standing coaches and looked to fill their roster with foreign talent before it was sheik. Both have patient shrewd GMs that have a tendency to find gems late in the draft and pick up role players few others appreciate. The similarities are endless they tell us. Here’s the difference: Popovich is a great coach, Sloan is only very good.

Popovich basically brings everything Sloan does, but without the rigidity, obstinacy, and nonsensical player rotations. Popovich’s teams are just as disciplined as any Jazz squad, except Pop figures out how to work in irascible talents like Stephen Jackson and Rodman.

Can you imagine how Sloan’s abusive tactics would work on these kinds of characters? ... the P.J. Carlesimo/Sprewell incident doesn’t even begin to describe what would happen, I’m thinking more along the lines of Tyson/Hollyfield.

Pop provides Sloan’s discipline without any of the baggage. I’m sorry the guy would never attempt to start Derek Fisher at shooting guard—he simply wouldn’t put Fisher in a position to fail. All the same things you like about Fisher, could be said about Horry, but look at how Popovich has used him compared to how Sloan uses Fisher. Big Shot Rob is a role player who is brought in as needed. Popovich is not tempted to start him over Bowen.

(Let’s be reminded that this is not the first or even second time Sloan has made this kind of weird personnel mistake … David Benoit over Bryon Russell cost the Jazz three years of championship contention (1993-1995), Collins over Mikki Moore prevented the Jazz from making the playoffs in 2004, and lastly, Sloan’s refusal to give Chris Morris a chance against Pippen during any of the 12 games they played in the finals cost the Jazz two championships. The man simply does not adapt his game plan for anyone or anything…since this is already a massive aside, am I the only one who noticed that Hot Rod Hundley is the least favorite person within the Jazz organization? In Sunday’s Deseret News he was quoted as saying, “Sloan’s teams don’t seem to play well in the playoffs, they play scared or something.” This gives me yet another reason to love Hots.)

The fact the Jazz haven’t paid dearly for their two point guard line up is pure coincidence. The mismatch isn’t really apparent when one opponent starts an all-guard line up and the other has a shooting guard with a mental block against taking over games. Ginoboli is no McGrady. Unlike T-Mac and Karl Malone, Manu doesn’t need years of therapy to help him work through insecurity issues that come out on the big stage.

Is there a solution for Ginobili? At this point, the Brewer issue is moot. Although, Popovich would have found a way to give Brewer 10-15 minutes a game over the course of the regular season (so he would have been ready come playoff time). Sloan didn’t. It’s over. However, there is still a solution. Start Millsap at small forward, put AK at shooting guard, and keep Okur on the perimeter.

All the local analysts talk about Andrei’s need to hit open jumpers, but nobody ever mentions that he is better served with his back to the basket. His moves are a little awkward and it does seem strange to see someone that frail pounding away down low, but the post is where Kirilenko belongs. From the bloc, he distributes unselfishly or finishes well near the hoop when he doesn't get fouled, which is often. The refs simply can’t help but be sympathetic when his scrawny frame gets knocked around. The other plus about putting AK at guard is that it allows him to occasionally take the ball up the floor. The biggest key for Andrei is his confidence level. For it to remain high, he has to feel involved. The more Andrei touches the ball on offense, the better he will play on defense. The correlation between these two events is almost one to one.

Putting AK at shooting guard is also a major match up problem for the Spurs. Ginobili is crafty, but if he has to line-up against Kirilenko he will get into foul trouble which will hamper his aggressiveness. If Ginobili has to think twice before he takes swipes at the ball or drives wildly into the lane, then you've taken away 60 percent of the man’s game. Further, if Manu gets into foul trouble, Popovich will have to switch Bowen onto Kirilenko, forcing Parker onto Kingpin—the Jazz biggest advantage.

The other advantage of the Kingpin-AK-Millsap-Boozer-Okur line up is that it forces another mismatch on the Spurs. San Antonio cannot handle Millsap and Boozer down low at the same time.

Duncan is amazing, but even he cannot cover that much ground. As smart as he is, Popovich has no solution for Millsap. Is Sloan smart enough to realize this? … he wasn’t smart enough to recall the success Bamm-Bamm (Araujo) had against Duncan in the regular season until late in the second half of Game 1, when it was too late to really make a run at the game.

Araujo’s success squaring up against TD is pretty remarkable considering almost no one in the league can guard the man. What’s interesting is that the same reasons he is successful against Duncan, are the reasons Toronto made him a surprise lottery pick three years ago: Bamm-Bamm has remarkably fast lateral movement and an astounding sprint for someone who weighs almost 280 lbs.
Bamm-Bamm is using his bulk to push TD away from his comfort zones, when he tries to drive he’s right there in front of him. Mr. Rubble is also making Duncan work harder on defense because he runs the floor well. What Toronto didn’t anticipate is that Araujo is a slow learner. But even this is coming in handy against the Spurs—Bamm-Bamm is too dim to be intimidated.

Duncan struggles against Araujo because he has to work harder to get what he wants. However, don’t expect this to happen again in Game 2. TD is perhaps the smartest player in the game, with a little bit of preparation he’ll figure out a way to abuse Araujo. By pulling out his trump card in a lost cause, Sloan only tipped his hand needlessly. There can no longer be any element of surprise. Pop will be prepared to adapt his game plan, will Sloan?

The Jazz and their 'Newspeak Arena' have the best crowd in the NBA

I can’t hear you, let’s get loud in here! A figure on a giant screen demands this from you. The screen hovers in the center of a massive gathering. Happy and forceful compliance is replied by tens of thousands of people dressed in uniformity.

It sounds like the start of a book by George Orwell or Aldous Huxley, but it is in fact the current trend sweeping the NBA playoffs.

Last spring, when the Miami Heat made their surprising championship run, one simple-yet-clever marketing campaign transformed a sleepy uninvolved crowd into an intimidating and unified monster. The Heat’s marketing folks provided the entire lower bowl of their arena with all white T-shirts. Rather than seeing high-priced lawyers, trophy wives, and corporate executives, Heat opponents saw thousands of angry jurors staring back at them.

These days, in Salt Lake’s own Newspeak Arena — excuse me, “Energy Solutions” — thousands of faces blend into one. A sea of powder blue T-shirts take on the quality of a school of fish. Let’s go Jazz! The mass of blue shouts.

Last week, the Utah Jazz marketing team followed Miami’s lead and passed out baby blue shirts to their entire lower bowl. With the Jazz on board, the Leni Riefenstahl era of the NBA officially began—American professional sports teams are delving into a new phase with deep sociological meaning. For some reason, sports marketers are now taking cues from famous military propagandists and public manipulators.

Historically, militaristic regimes have used massive coordinated demonstrations to inspire awe in friends and intimidation in foes. (In the early 1930s, Hitler and Mussolini’s public relations men took advantage of this sociological phenomenon on their way to conquering Europe.) However, let’s not get carried away. The sea of Jazz blue is just a harmless visual metaphor, right? Massive coordinated demonstrations of collective identity do not have to be violent or sinister—they can be utilized in pastel and even sponsored by a large corporation (what could be more benign?). The Jazz are again back on top and that’s what’s most important, isn’t it?

Perhaps, but while the Jazz may not have faced a superior basketball team in their Western Conference semifinal against the Golden State Warriors, their Bay Area opponent offered a better way to encourage fan enthusiasm.

After enduring a dozen losing seasons, the public relations folks at the Warriors adopted the slogan, “We Believe.” They inscribed the phrase on thousands of yellow T-shirts that were given out to their entire arena at the beginning of the playoffs.

The Golden State slogan was dreamt up by super-fan, Paul Wong, who started selling homemade placards outside the arena earlier this spring. As the popularity of Wong’s idea caught on, the Warrior’s management snapped it up. The response was a marketers dream. Yellow “We Believe” shirts with a giant Comcast cable logo on the backside (the side the TV camera sees) became the hottest thing in town. Columnists and commentators around the Bay Area began writing about how the Warriors had united the town in a way they’d never seen before.

Meanwhile the Jazz’s current slogan “It’s Electrifying!” does not inspire ticket sales, but unintentional comedy. As is the case for Utah and most national trends, we’re still a little behind the curve. The massive T-shirt campaign isn’t our own, we are just borrowing it.

The Jazz have some of the best fans in the NBA and may have a legitimate shot at the NBA title, but as an organization they have a long way to go as far as utilizing the impressive fan culture that already exists.

There is a ground swell of intelligent, funny, and insightful Jazz fanatics and their energies are just waiting to be tapped. The Jazz should hone this creativity rather than resist, or ignore it. Here are a few simple and easily adopted suggestions:

Rather than give fans uniforms so they can fit into an impressive television display, set up more public viewing areas so those who can’t afford the high ticket prices can watch together. Inside the arena, encourage a culture of authenticity. Bring back a live band, like the one they used to have in the old Salt Palace.

Try turning off the canned noise, video advertisements, and constant clamber from the Jumbotron. The loudest and most intimidating noise comes from a knowledgeable and fanatical crowd naturally responding to the game. The giant screen only functions like an insulting Sesame Street for adults. (Check out this clip of Greek basketball fans -- this is what happens when you combine the real fan culture of soccer and put it in a basketball arena; thank 39&1/2 feet for sending this).

When the Jazz marketers distributed their free blue tees to only the lower half of the arena (the portion visible to TV cameras), they illustrated that cutting costs is more important to them than disrespecting their loyal fans. I realize many of my suggestions might seem cost inefficient, so I have one last one: learn a key lesson from the recent Golden State experience—allow real fan culture to grow into something unique, then repackage and sell it back to the community.

Golden State’s “We Believe” campaign became infectious because it felt real. The organization looked to the community for direction, rather than constructing directives and imposing them on their audience. Instead of copying some other teams idea of what real fans look like, the Jazz simply need to give their true fans the space and opportunity to create their own reasons to believe.

The Punch for a New Generation

For all our discussions of Matt Harpring's place on this team, I figured out his inevitable destiny: Matt needs to run across the court limbs flailing and have his face broken by Stephen Jackson a la Rudy Tomjanovich.

I can see the future and I see: Matt talking through a wired jaw, he is being interviewed by a documentary crew working on a film tentatively titled "The Second Coming of Kermit Washington."

(The man called "39&ahalffeet" contributed to this post.)

Nine brave lions, two stupid boys

Until later today when I can return to the keyboard (ed. note, I was so angry I lied about returning) I have only three sentences for you:

Baron Davis and Jason Richardson's actions were more than poor sportsmanship -- they were dangerous and unprovoked; Sloan has many faults, but he would never allow such actions to occur on his team without consequence -- neither should the league; what constitutes "dirty play" has been given constant coverage in the other half of the Western conference semifinals -- any NBA journalist who wrote about the topic and does not now resoundingly condemn the incidents in the last minutes of Game 4 is a hypocrite.

Sloan's about-face and the power of negative thinking: I have special and terrifying powers

Below is the transcript of the conversation my brother and I had last night at half time of the Jazz vs. Warriors Game 2. I provide it in hopes this little window into my madness will provide you with as much joy as it does for my brother.

DDD: “Wow. The last four games have been unbelievable. I called it all the way. If you give AK the ball and let him run the show, he produces like the old AK and we win. Really. I have to give a lot of credit. . .to myself.”

39&1/2 feet: “That’s very brave of you to take all the credit. It takes tremendous courage to acknowledge your own genius.”

DDD: “ I agree. You know what I’ve discovered?”

39&1/2 feet — giggling audibly—: “ No, what?”

DDD: “I do have special powers. I cry about AK needing to handle the ball more. Like clock work, Sloan starts giving him touches on nearly every possession ... I complain that Sloan should trust Deron more and stop trying to force him into becoming a Stockton clone. Ten days later, Sloan starts publicly pronouncing his ultimate confidence in Deron’s decision making. I say Brewer needs just one opportunity to show his worth—and magically fate provides a set of circumstances where Sloan has no choice but to insert him into the game.”

39&1/2 feet: “So, just for the sake of your favorite player getting a few extra minutes you used these powers to give Fisher’s daughter to some bizarre form of cancer? — And then for Okur to nearly paralyze Dee?”

DDD: “Well. I have yet to hone this power. I didn’t wish for any of that, but if Harpring had come down with the plague I would have had to admit a different answer.”

Yeah, we’re a special pair. Sloan is adjusting his game plan and relinquishing control to a second-year player. The most conservative and controlling coach in American sports is suddenly matching Nellie fastbreak for fastbreak. Is this really happening? If so, how can it be explained? The way I see it there are only three plausible explanations.

First, someone from the Jazz coaching staff could be checking out the blogosphere for ideas. Possible, flattering, but highly doubtful. When Amaechi accused Sloan of writing homophobic emails, I believed the coach when he said, “I don’t even know how to work email.” There’s no reason to question the honestly of that statement.

The second possibility? The religion I founded a few days ago, called slackosophy, is gaining millions of converts even though I have put zero effort into recruitment. This growth has led to a strengthening of my powers (unbeknownst to me) leading to my godlike intimacy with a higher order that rules all earthly matter. This scenario seems reasonable enough so we’ll keep it around just in case there is more anecdotal evidence that could be utilized in an infomercial of some sort.

A little story is necessary to adequately explain the third possibility … A few years back while I was still living in New York, I had a massage therapist whose body resided in Brooklyn, but her spirit was living out a life as a Bay Area hippy. Even though my words were muffled by the cheeks of the massage table, from our conversations she concluded that I needed help thinking positively (big surprise). She recommended a book to me, Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn. I told her I would compromise, if she would read Kierkegaard while listening to the complete works of Minor Threat (this is the first teaching of slackosophy) then I would read Grabhorn.

Like most hippies, she didn’t hold up her part of the bargain, but I struggled through 200 pages of Grabhorn’s ideas. Her theory was akin to The Secret book that appeared on Oprah. A variation of the guru self-help nonsense about “laws of attraction” and the power of positive thoughts. The concept is simple: if you think it enough, it will happen; no matter what it is—good or bad—if you give it enough thought, it will happen at some point.

If you think enough about being an astronaut, sooner or later astronautics (is that a word?) will happen for you. If you spend all day thinking about good sex, sooner or later, good sex will take place. On the flip side, if you spend all day fretting about the fact that you are in a shrinking media industry with no appreciation for your unique abilities, then unappreciated you will remain and a failure you will become. I’m not sure if that last sentence was on the page or just in my head.

Grabhorn’s ideas were supposed to be uplifting, but instead they were scaring the frak out of me. I put down the book and promised never return to think these terrifying concepts.

However, in light of the last few weeks, I’ve given Grabhorn’s ideas some more thought. . .and here’s my existentialist conclusion: thoughts, whether acknowledged or not, can have an impact. The basketball gods are listening. The message is getting through. Sloan realizes this team is the most-talented he’s ever coached. The rumors about Larry Miller getting on his back? Kirilenko possibly going into early retirement? Boozer threatening not to sign another contract because of Sloan’s dictatorial style? It doesn’t matter whether these rumors are true.

For decades, “Sloan the magnificent” faced zero criticism in the local intelligentsia and minimal resistance from his star players. Not the case any more. This is Jerry’s last chance for a championship and he knows it. Good thing for him (and us) it’s also the best shot he’s ever had.

--DDD

(The man known as “39&1/2 feet” contributed to this post.)

Kingpin humors old man. . .for the moment

What's the caption here? . . . (Photo by Getty Images).

Make way for "The Kingpin," Deron Williams has arrived

The Kingpin. From this day forward let this seven-letter word be forever tied to the man currently known as “Deron Williams.”

Let this moniker be used in celebration of Mr. William’s leadership, limitless talent, and wisdom well beyond his years on this earthly kingdom.

Let the phrase “make way for Kingpin” ring from the roof tops. . .shouted at passing flocks of seagulls. . .and spray painted on It's Electrifying signage!

Let May 7th in the 2007th year of our lord will be known as a celestial moment in the history of Great Basin basketball.

Let this moniker go forth and give light to fanzz who for so long found themselves oppressed by the imposed nicknames of Booz, Horny, and Basketball John.

Our hopes and dreams are tied to you, oh great Kingpin. We do not fear, however. Make way for the Kingpin, for he will not make way for you!

Jazz vs. Warriors Game 1 Predilections

The Sloan versus Nellie record is not good. Oddly enough, Nellie crushed both the beginning and end of the Stockton-Malone-Sloan era.

In 1989, in Sloan’s first season as head coach the team won a division title and Karl Malone burst onto the scene including donning the cover of the Sports Illustrated with the title “Bigger, Stronger, Faster.” In the photo, Malone is shown driving to the hoop over two hapless Warriors in those now trendy “City” uniforms.

That season Malone finished second to Jordan in scoring and won the All-Star game’s MVP award. Stockton led the league in steals and assists for the first time. Mark Eaton won the Defensive Player of the Year award.

What came of this magnificent team? Nellie’s hapless Warriors annihilated them with a sweep in the first round.

In 2001, more than a decade later, the Jazz retooled and brought on Donyell Marshall and Danny Manning in hopes of making one last run at a championship. They looked solid until the last month of the season when the team fell apart (sound familiar?) with a 14-12 record in the last two months of the season, including going 6-7 in the Delta Center. As the fourth seed, they ended facing Nellie's revitalized Mavs. Instead of stepping aside for the Jazz's last championship run, Nellie helped Nowitzki and Nash announce their arrivals on Utah's face. It was one of the worst collapses in NBA history. The Mavs came back from a 2-0 deficit, winning game five in the Delta Center.

History is not on our side -- and that never bodes well. I can't see the Jazz winning a single game in Oakland, but it all depends more on the Baron vs. Deron and the Sloan vs. Alzheimer's match-up more than the Tortoise vs. the Hare.

Am I the only one who notices that Baron Davis' body seems to have been constructed in the 1970s? I mean there is just so much '70s funk to the way he moves those thick legs. He's one of the few players that could be inserted into a game simulcast by Howard Cossell and it wouldn't seem out of place. Not sure why I am mentioning that, but I felt compelled. Okay, it's time for me to go on the record:

If Jarron Collins plays any significant minutes in the series, we lose. If Ronnie Brewer makes an 1994 Bryan Russell-against-the Portland Trailblazers-emergence, we win. And my biggest prediction. . . .this summer Sloan will discover that if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.

I have yet to figure out how to swing a press pass to any of the games (it's probably not the best idea to send condescending emails to every sports journalist in town and accuse the head of the organization of being attracted to dead people). Despite all my efforts, my exposure to the perhaps the best games the Waste Dump will ever host is the same as it was two months ago. . . and now I'm starting to get spiteful. For those of you who are going to the games you'all better cheer so loud you endanger your Temple recommend. If you don't feel the need prove your insanity to 20,000 other strangers, I'll gladly take your place.

Jazz and Warriors are two sides of the same coin. . .who fits in the vending machine of the NBA’s future? Part II

Part of my inspiration for starting RetireSloan was my constant frustration that this incredibly talented team’s best efforts might go to waste in a time where the NBA is in a transition period and the championship is completely up for grabs.

All of my predictions have been made through the lens of history—which is why, at times, it can appear as if I have magic powers (I also predicted the Jazz would be swept by the Rockets, so really I'm not that smart).

In an increasingly guard-dominated league, Sloan’s inability to see how necessary Brewer’s athleticism would become during the playoffs has driven me to the brink of insanity, causing manic fantastical theories.

Saturday's game proved I was somewhat wrong about Boozer's worth. It also proves O'Connor has constructed a team so well-balanced it has the capability of overcoming cylon infiltration. In this column I put forth a theory that doesn’t involve Satan, time machines, or robots sent from the fourth dimension. For me, I’d say that is a success.

If Houston’s failures prove anything, it proves the Kobe–Shaq two superstar model is a remnant of a by-gone basketball era. A team game it is, and a team game it will continue to be.

Future NBA line-ups are likely to look more like Donnie Nelson’s Lithuanian teams than the McGrady–Yao Rockettes. Major changes are in the wind. The hyper-individualistic American style of hoops is clearly an inferior system when matched up against the fluid game the world plays. It doesn’t matter who they put on the next USA team, it’s not going to succeed in the organic soccer-like game of international hoops.

Get ready for the most rude of awakenings . . . despite Jerry Colangelo’s best efforts, team USA will again fail in the next Olympics. American basketball will fall from grace in Beijing—during the moment where the western world witnesses the announcement of the new Chinese economic empire. America’s post WWII dominance of the globe is over and that includes basketball, my friend.

David Stern will then use this collective epiphany to sell the owners on adopting international rules. It will provide both a better product and the European investment Stern has coveted for at least a decade.

In the same way American car companies will either become reliable and green or face extinction, American basketball will soon have to adapt and play a team game where all the players on the court are capable of contributing. Changing the hand check rules was the first step, but next summer there will be no way for American basketball to resist a major overhaul in the rules of engagement — once this happens, all bets are off.

We are 15 months away from a complete revolution in hoops. Fans in SLC and Oakland should realize it’s now or never. It would be oh-so fitting if Don Nelson’s all guard, speed-it-up team went on to win this year’s championship. In a spiritual sense (this is Utah), I could definitely see it happening.

For fanzz there is a silver lining. The Jazz are the second worst possible match up for Nellie’s mismatch extravaganza (the Spurs are the absolute worst). As Kenny Smith pointed out after Game 7, Nellie might be able to guard Dirk Nowitski with Stephen Jackson, but there ain no way—not no how—that gonna work har agains Boozr. . .Same goes for Okr.

The pace of life in Nellieville will have to adjust to the altitude, dry desert air, and a hard-nosed basketball ethic that takes the ball to the rack with its elbows out.

In their pre-game stare contest, Avery Johnson blinked. He played his mentor's game, not his own. That absolutely will not happen with Sloan (you’d have to be awake to blink). Sloan is the immovable object. The Jazz starting line-up will be the same as it ever was. Sloan’s been around too long and faced Nellie too many times to fall for his game. He will give the fanzz just enough hope to have their hearts broken.

Jazz and Warriors, two sides of the same coin. . .who fits in the vending machine the NBA’s future? Part I

Even though both favor a true team game, Nellie and Sloan have completely contrasting strengths and styles. Nellie is the master adjuster. If someone doesn’t perform well on the court, the cane comes out from behind the curtain immediately. A new player is sent onto the stage. Nellie sits in the director chair eying whether their performance is worthy of a few rotten vegetables. The man doesn’t play favorites.

Where as, if history were kind enough to provide the opportunity. . . Sloan would start a line up that included—Dexter, Hornacek on his deathbed, David Benoit, Matt Harpring dressed in women’s shoulder pads, and Mark Eaton.

All you have to do to crack Sloan’s regular rotation is dress poorly, talk to him about tractors, and brag about the number of turnips you can fit in your mouth (Eaton holds the record with twelve!) . Really, that's it. If you do those three things he will put you into the game over more talented players at the same position.

Besides playing favorites, Jerry is a zealot who sticks to his game plan come hell or high water. You can set your clock to Sloan’s substitution patterns and play sets. They aren’t going to change based on anything that happens on the court. If Stockton has hit five shots in a row, he is still taken out with four minutes left in the first period. Williams. . . erghh. . .Stockton will return after 3 and a half minutes have passed in the second quarter.

On the other hand, Nellie is the opposite -- a complete secular empiricist. He doesn’t seem to come to the games with any preconceived notions about his player's capacities. Nellie adapts. What’s happening on the court? Monte Ellis might have been a major part of his team's regular season success, but he wasn’t bringing it in the playoffs. Nellie had no problems benching him. The reverse was true for Michael Pietrus.

When Al Harrington let off a big-old-nasty fart of a performance in the beginning of the Mavs series, Barnes ended up getting his minutes. These are the kinds of adjustments Sloan never makes. Even though Ronnie Brewer exploded for 21 points and completely shut down Jason Richardson in their April meeting, don’t expect Sloan to bring him into the series. Sloan is of the belief that Ronnie is too green to contribute. He will never provide a real chance for his notion to be disproved.

Game 7 Predictions

Main Predictions:

#1) Kelly Dwyer informs me Spike Lee calls Fisher "Dexter." Kelly didn't elaborate why Spike Lee knows a flesh-covered robot pretending to be basketball player, but that is neither here nor there, except to say "Dexter" is a good name for a mechanical humanoid. If said robot cons Sloan into putting him on the court more than 25 minutes tonight, the Jazz will lose. Pure and simple.

Same goes for the sleeper agent Harpring.

#2) If the -- Williams, AK, Millsap, Boozer, Okur -- line up appears for long stretches the Jazz will win going away.

#3) Boozer will keep us in the game, but it will be won by one of three players D-Will, Okur, or AK. ...Andrei being the best candidate.

#4) No matter what happens, after this game all doubts about the Chris Paul/Deron debate will disappear completely with Deron emerging worthy of a spectacular nickname I will unveil soon.

Go-go gadget comeback! The real AK-47 returns, this time he means 'business'

After three air balls in a row in the third quarter, I sent a text to my friend Caleb reading, “Is Derek Fisher bad enough to lose this game all by himself? That is the question.” Forever the pessimist, I thought a Beniot-for-3 collapse was imminent. Ten minutes later. . .

“Oh god, Andrei!

Holy crap. Kirilenko!!

O-MY-GOD, AK!!!”

My girlfriend came into the living room and said, “Wow, why don’t you scream my name like that?” Last night, Kirilenko’s triumphant return to form was so good, I blushed.

That was the old Andrei we saw. The one from 2003-2004 when the team still wore those putrescent purple and copper uniforms with the snowflake belt buckle sown into the shorts and the visage of Wasatch mountain triangles on the sidewalls.

Remember the man who came devilishly close to a 5x5 stat line nearly every night? The man who overnight captured the attention of every fantasy basketball player in America? Last night we saw that underneath it all, that man is still there … the young kid so skinny and hyper he looks more like a meth addtict than a basketball player. The one who’s eyes narrow and develop an expression of intense focus.[1]

I must make a difference on every play. That ball is my ball. You may have it for the moment, but I will get it back. The expression on Andrei’s face is so forceful, it can be read no other way.

Remember the movie Commando? The flick where Schwarzenegger is an ex-navy seal special operative assassin[2] who decides all of a sudden to retire. For whatever reason, the generic bad guys kidnap his daughter. Big mistake.

The bad guys’ actions force the yet-to-be Governor of KAL-EE-FORN-EE-YAHH to go on a rampage involving handheld rocket launchers and grenade guns to save his daughter. During this entire movie, Arnold had one expression, the expression of: I am keeping my composure externally, but internally I am consumed only with the desire to break you in half.

That was the mask Andrei wore on the court last night.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Aside from over-playing Fisher and playing Brewer not at all, Sloan handled Game 6 about as well as you could have hoped. His rotations actually enabled AK to be himself.

In the last column, I mentioned that AK is clearly not a small forward. None of his strengths on either end of the court will be utilized in the 3 spot role. In Sloan’s traditional offense, small forwards shoot three pointers, set screens in the paint, or come off screens in the middle of the floor to launch floating jumpers.

None of these task are AK strengths.

Kirilenko's passing skills are by-far his greatest offensive weapon. If Andrei is going to score 10 – 15 points a game, he needs to slash to the hoop from the high post (while playing the power forward) or back up smaller defenders in the low post (while serving time at shooting guard). Either of these roles allow Andrei to pass to cutters, or throw the ball out to the wing for outside shooters. Most of last night Andrei played shooting guard, not small forward. And, that is why it worked.

It took Sloan only 88 games to decipher what needed to be done, but last night he actually used the Jazz’s most talented lineup for long stretches: Williams, AK, Millsap, Boozer, Okur. Those are the five best defensive players are the roster.

One spectacular defender (AK), one solid in (Williams), one on his way to being something special (Millsap), and two trying their darndest but will never be more than mediocre (Boozer and Okur).

You can live with that mix—and, you can win with it as well.

Andrei and Millsap bring so many intangible positives to the game. Any time you can get two guys like on the floor at the same time, the team is going to succeed. What do they say? The eighty-eighth time is the charm? None of that matters now. The Rocket’s have kidnapped AK’s daughter. Once you get Commando going, he can’t stop until all the bad guys are dead.

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[1] On a side note, I miss the Mohawk with the rattail flopping around in the back—it fit in so perfectly with the young, irascible, uncontrollable persona Andrei had that year.

[2] It was some variation of the “Rebel Patriot” theme, anyway.

Obsessive and Deprived in Salt Lake: Sloan’s insanity cheats fanzz of historic showdown with Warriors

I felt like I had written the script to Game 5…Despite it all, Kirilenko perseveres and puts forth a remarkable comeback campaign. Near the end of the fourth, AK throws a jaw-dropping pass to Boozer for an easy lay in. Only he and Magic could have pulled it off. When it leaves his hands you think, “Oh my god! No. No. NO.” Then you realize all along he knew what he was doing and your expression of horror turns to jubilation.

The bucket brings the Jazz within one point. Rather than stick with Kirilenko who is obviously hot, Sloan calls a play for his counterpart Harpring. BRICK. The next possession, coach Sloan takes AK out in favor of Derek Fisher. The Fishbot immediately comes barreling down the floor committing an obvious offensive foul. Turn over. Game over.

The off-season should be here by week’s end. Kevin O’Connor’s most difficult task this summer will be temporarily relocating the Jazz practice facility and headquarters. Sloan must be kept at a safe distance, until someone can fill out the paperwork for a restraining order.

Once that is finished, O’Connor faces some rough personnel choices. Boozer, AK, and Okur simply cannot coexist. This is okay. Really, it is. . .Boozer’s trade value is higher than it will ever be. Maybe O’Connor could swindle the number one pick from the Celts. Durant would look pretty incredible on the Jazz bench playing behind Fisher…if Danny Ainge actually wants to keep his job, there are many other options. I can’t tell you how many times I put Boozer for Ray Allen and Mohamed Sene[1] into the trade machine last February.

Kevin, why can’t the future Jazz starting line-up look like this: Williams, Brewer, AK, Millsap, Okur? What would be wrong with that? Please tell me why that wouldn’t work? All of them are good, or at least solid, defenders. All could provide 14 – 18 points a game, none of them are selfish, and all play well together. Further, they are all athletes who can play multiple positions. This is the obvious future of NBA basketball. If you don’t accept where history is moving, it will leave you behind.

In the long run, the Jazz need a slow low-post scorer like Boozer about as much as they need the cylon twins. Am I the only one who notices how much better the team fairs when Millsap is on the floor?

Millsap and AK are cut from the same unconventional cloth. Neither fits the bill of a classic forward at either the four or three spot, but both are great teammates who do all the little things that actually win ball games. Mike D’Antoni found a way to fit four unconventional athletes into a regular rotation where each average at least 31 minutes a night (Stoudemire, Marion, Diaw, and Barbosa). Why can’t the Jazz do the same with AK, Millsap, and Brewer?

Millsap, who I am today dubbing “the Perfect Soldier,”[2] is a cross between Denis Rodman and Horace Grant. He’ll never be the scorer that Boozer is, but the Jazz don’t need him to be!. . . Williams can score, Brewer could score if ever he didn’t know about Sloan’s secret, Okur can score, and AK does score if allowed to slash to the hoop, or play in the post. . .Kirilenko is not going to put up points at small forward. Why? Because the position does not provide any favorable mismatches. (If AK plays the two spot, he posts up smaller defenders. At the four spot, he’s too quick and he’ll take you off the dribble. Where as at small forward, he stands ignored at the 3 point line until his mind wanders from the game to the plot of the latest Russian pop novel.)

Smart teams figure out a way to put their best basketball players on the floor in a way that suits there unique talents. Preferably, players who can perform at both ends of the court. I’m not fooled by all the steals Boozer has been racking up, and neither should you. C-Bozz LLC could not block a shot if it was teed up for him. This a problem when paired next to Okur who roams the key like Mark Eaton drove to the hoop.[3]

There is no doubt Boozer is talented. Twelve years ago, he would have been a power forward for the ages. But that was twelve years ago, this is the age where Don Nelson looks like a genius. Nontraditional is soon to become traditional. Funny how that works.

You can call Nellie a gimmick coach if you want, but his up tempo, breakneck, mismatch style is no more of a gimmick than Sloan’s hard-nosed, slow-it-down, break-your-neck ploy. The difference being, Nellie's gimmick appears to be working.

It’s too bad we’ll be deprived of a Pepsi challenge of “Gimmick A” versus “Gimmick B.” It would be most entertaining. The two best crowds in the NBA competing for lunatic supremacy? Who wouldn’t want to see that. Also, the series would provide the most intriguing point guard match up since Magic versus Stockton, or Magic versus Isiah. Both Williams and Davis are big strong modern floor generals. Davis is the established veteran and Williams is the up-and-coming future. There would be more drama there than any series since the 1998 finals.

I will never forgive Sloan for allowing his love affair with mechanical impostors to prevent this match up from taking place.

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[1] Sene is needed to make the salaries match up. There is decent chance he could useful as well. I saw him play in the Rocky Mountain Revue and he may never have much offense, but he is a shot blocker that could be a good Ying to Okur’s Yang.. .Don’t go too far with that concept.

[2] When Sloan was recently asked what he likes most about Millsap, he said “When you ask him to do something, he never asks ‘why.’ ” In journalism, this is what is called, "The telling detail."

[3] However, Okur’s one-on-one defense against Yao has been as good as you could possibly hope for.

Derek Fisher, agent of Satan? ...or, how Utah County District 65 showed that the Jazz can save the universe

Ed’s note: I started this post before Thursday's game, but was unable to publish it because I had to stay up late reporting on this story for a media outlet that will remain nameless. The LINKS ARE NOT OPTIONAL. Be patient, it’s going somewhere …and yes, I was on a natural high when I wrote it.

Okay, I’ve figured it out. I had the first part down, but had not quite put together the second piece of the puzzle until now. I have Don Larsen of Utah County District 65 to thank for my revelations.

Mr. Larsen has shown me the light—not only is Satan behind the current wave of illegal immigration, he is also responsible for Jerry Sloan’s preference for Derek Fisher and Matt Harpring. It’s the only rational explanation.

Derek Fisher is a succubus robot sent by Satan-worshiping, Ralph Nader-brainwashed cylons to destroy the Utah Jazz from the inside. ..Harpring is one of their sleeper agents, a ticking time bomb just waiting to miss a lay-up or commit an offensive foul when the game is on the line. It was so obvious and yet I couldn’t see it clearly, until now…

These two humanoid machines were sent by the cylons from the not-so distant future in an effort to gain control of humanity’s new home, planet Gliese. The planet’s light takes 20 years to arrive in earth’s telescopes. Astronomers have no idea what is currently taking place on the surface of Gliese. But, Mr. Larsen’s ideas illustrate the possibility earth colonies have already been settled, but are currently involved in a bloody war for control with Satan-worshipping cylon immigrants.

Mr. Larsen says Starbucks and Stock-to-Malone car dealerships on Gliese are at risk from a horde of cylon machines spawned by colonists in an effort to avoid immigrant labor. How the flesh-covered machines found the writings of Ralph Nader, no one knows. However, it might have started with Thursday’s speech at Utah Valley State College!

The cylons became voracious in their desire to destroy freedom and the intergalactic corporations which bring the world electrifying ad slogans and naming rights agreements that empower citizens in the new Happy Valley at the far end of the universe. However, due to the overwhelming will power of a lingering Midwestern work ethic, the machines are losing.

The machines have only one hope in their dastardly plot to bring universal healthcare and fluoridated water to the galaxy: Time Travel. After studying human history, the cylons identified one man and one moment representing the bastion of traditional, old-school conservative thought. In a sea of decadence, only this stalwart remains true to form. That man is Jerry Sloan. That moment is the 2007 NBA playoffs.

In order for the cylons to win, Jerry Sloan and the Utah Jazz must be stopped. They cannot win the 2007 NBA championship. You see…when the Jazz combined the energy and athleticism of Andrei Kirilenko, Ronnie Brewer, and Paul Millsap into a disciplined defense, yet flexible fun-to-watch offense their surprising championship inspired not only the sports world, but the WTO, the World Bank, and Rupert Murdoch himself. World culture stood on its head. . .People all over the globe began believing anything was possible. Old school and new school can compliment each other! People finally said to themselves.

Liberals and conservatives don’t have to fight. We can work together for the good of each other. It was a collective epiphany leading to peace, prosperity, and Starbucks coffee that actually tastes good. Humanity became stronger and more balanced than anyone every thought possible…and, it all had to do with a stroke of luck where the traditionalist Utah Jazz were provided with the kind of new age athletes the fanzz had always dreamed about.

Traveling back in time, the cylons identified all of Sloan’s weak points—puritan concepts of hard work, experience, and determination. Those things are easily faked they decided. All a player has to do is stay extra hours in the gym building muscle mass which is actually not very useful in the finesse-filled game of hoops. However, Sloan misinterprets such physicality as a sign of hard work. To display phony determination the machines were directed to dive headfirst toward the ball with limbs flailing whenever possible.

During a Rocky Mountain Revue game, the cylons discovered a brief flaw in their plan… The Rafael Araujo humanoid dove for a ball while he was at the scores table with his warm-up jacket still on. The basket-bots needed a little tinkering, they decided.

The new directive became: only throw yourself on the floor after being checked into the game, otherwise flail as much as possible.

The Harp-bot skin job was especially pleasing to Sloan. Eventually the coach was unable to resist the siren call of hustling, but ineffective machines.

David Stern and NBA officials were confused, but reticent. It did seem odd to play a football tight end in a basketball game. Starting an aging point-guard at the two spot was equally weird, but who was going to complain? The opposing coaches?

The cylons had thought of everything…except one thing. What, you ask? Don Larsen, that’s what.

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On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part IV

He looks lost, barely a shell of what once was. There are glimpses of the man at full strength, but most of the time when you look into his eyes the message is clear: the best days are behind him.

That’s right, I’m talking about Jerry Sloan.

Facial expressions indicating deep contemplative thought were never his forte, it is true. However, these days when you look at the Jazz bench there is an old man staring off into space. A grandpa figure who looks like he’d rather be watching the game at home in a Lazboy, chuckling at the “Road Redwood” furniture ads and taking the occasional pipe break on the porch of his Evansville farmhouse.[1]

I’m not saying this to be mean, really I’m not. It just looks like it is finally time for Sloan to call it a day.

Listen, we’ve all tried to come up with some pretty fantastical explanations for his choice of playing Harpring over Kirilenko, Fisher over Brewer, Collins over the ball boy…but Occam’s razor must apply here: he is simply not paying attention.

Sloan’s brain is working at about 40 percent capacity, due to equal parts obstinacy and exhaustion. Since the 12-1 start, Sloan’s appetite for development has become progressively smaller. You can tell from the circles under his eyes that staying awake is no longer easy.

I know what happens to me when I’m hungry and tired, key premises of daily life escape me. The need for sleep and a full stomach cloud my vision. I’m awake but I don’t trust my own judgment. I’m a stranger on a distant beach capable of shooting an Arab…or, in this case, playing Derek Fisher at shooting guard.

As fellow humans we ought to cut him a little slack, but we won’t because he’s a public figure. We’re Americans, so we’ll rip him to pieces and pee on the remains.

It is clear Sloan is telling the truth, when he says, “I’m not a mood coach, I’m not equipped to deal with that.” We should give him credit for admitting as much, but the modern NBA coach needs to be capable of handling such complicated detail-oriented tasks as “motivation.”

Sloan should take a few mouthfuls of the sour liquid he insists his players swallow, I think its called “responsibility.” Today, basketball is a billionaire enterprise and coaching includes psychological, emotional, and maybe even new age non-denominational spiritual preparation.[2]

You can call Dr. Phil a fraud (I do all the time) but he has struck a chord with the way many people feel, and that is lonely. In America these days, people are consumed by a dread that there is nowhere to turn. As such, they respond better to touchy feely, than they do to fix-it-yourself-you-maggot drill sergeant impersonators.

In the Tribune, Sloan admitted he, “probably hasn’t gotten [Kirilenko] into a position where he’s as comfortable as he would like to be.” Sloan also admits, shamelessly, he has had only minimal communication with Andrei since he complained in mid-season that he didn’t understand his role.

Masha Kirilenko suggested part of the problem might be her husband’s less-than-complete command of the English language. An interesting prospect, indeed.[3] Andrei’s wife thinks an interpreter might solve some of the communication issues.

Unfortunately, Masha, you are assuming good faith on the part of Sloan. No matter what language Andrei uses, the lines of communication are not open. When asked why he won’t design a system catered to AK’s talents, Sloan has reacted like his 10-year-old child just asked why the neighbors dogs are “stuck together.”

I don’t have time for any of that rigamarole! Figure it out yourself, son. My way, or the highway. You don’t like it? Find yourself another place to cry. These shoulders weren’t made for tear drying… Bruising, Andrei. These shoulders were made for bruising.

A player’s input is not welcome in Sloan’s coaching world. Authority must be total at all times. Questions are the equivalent of challenging the judgment of the great John Deere himself.

Jerry, you want to know what you gotta love, or leave? — Modernity, baby. If you shun the world, it shuns you back. The old must make way for the new. It’s simply the law of give and take. In Jerry speak, “that’s just the way it goes.”

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[1] A fantasy soon to be a reality?

[2] Think Phil Jackson.

[3] Crazy enough, my niece is in the same pre-school as Fyodor, Andrei’s son. Fyodor barely speaks English. The poor teacher has to spend half of the class time making hand gestures to explain to this nine-foot tall six-year-old what is going on. The Kirilenko family’s commitment to American assimilation is less than 100 percent, and as you know. .. in America everything must be super-sized 110 percent!

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part III

After breaking down in tears yesterday, Andrei Kirilenko’s career may take a drastic turn for the worse. Andrei has been degraded a lot this year by his own organization. I would cry too.

The Jazz’s best defender and most unique talent has seen his minutes drastically reduced this season. Why? Because his play has been that bad? No. Not really. The answer is simple: Sloan is trying to recreate the era of Stockton and Malone wholesale. Through Williams and Boozer, the Frankenstein’s monster has taken on a remarkably disturbing life.

During Boozergate, Sloan decided his team would again pound the ball inside to a slower, shorter, even more boring, but equally self-centered version of the Mailman. Meanwhile AK is told to stand on the perimeter and take jump shots, something that’s never been his strength.

Although they have been teammates for three years, this season is the first time Boozer and AK have both been healthy in the same season.[1] In 2004, Sloan already had a brilliant, modern power forward in Kirilenko. However, once given the opportunity, Sloan chose a low post, Boozer-centered team over an AK-led free flowing Princeton offense squad.

Last season, when Williams was benched for long stretches in favor of two journeymen now on the NBA’s unemployment rolls, Sloan was crafting a new toy—Stockton version II. Deron wasn’t quite sure he wanted to be “Stock 2.0.” Occasionally, he wanted to look for his own shot. Tisk. Tisk. Sloan said from the sidelines.

Sloan has been given a lot of praise for making Williams into a disciplined player. Some of this may be true, but an equal part of Deron’s rookie campaign was Sloan demanding that he cram himself into a pair of Stockton’s proverbial short shorts.

Due to Boozer’s many injuries and Williams’ initial reluctance, the actualization of the Stockton-to-Malone sequel was postponed until this year. But last November it all came together for Sloan. Andrei Kirilenko found himself the odd man out.

When Andrei played with Stockton and Malone, he was a bit player. This role is precisely where he has returned (If you look at Andrei’s statistics this season, they are almost identical to the years where he was playing with the twosome enshrined on the corner of 300 West and 100 South).

Kirilenko’s shooting woes have received a lot of press this season, but his current field goal percentage is better than it was last year and two of his previous years—including his best season overall, the 2003-04 campaign.[2] AK-47 is a once in a lifetime defensive talent. Not since Russell, or Olajawon’s 1994 campaign, has any defensive player had such a dynamic impact on a game. Pippen was close, but I’ll still take the 2003-2004 version of Andrei over anyone other than Russell. Provided with the right situation on the court, there is no reason why he is not capable of that same level of play.

Andrei saved the Jazz franchise from complete embarrassment once the two cornerstones moved on. However, today Sloan has decreased Kirilenko's minutes, touches, and really made no effort to move toward arranging the team around AK’s unique talents. All things considered, AK hasn’t really caused much of a fuss about dropping completely off Sloan’s radar. In this super-star celebrity centered world, he has been a very good sport. Kirilenko hasn’t fought back, or attacked Sloan. He hasn't even asked for more shots. In January, he simply requested that Sloan involve him more in the game.

Coach, um, the season is half way over and you obviously aren’t running any plays for me, or even letting me touch the ball. I’m the second best passer on the team and you never let me handle the rock. ..my role has changed, could you please explain what it is that I am supposed to do in this system?

Really, this is all Andrei asked.

Andrei should watch his words, the owner stated. The local media concurred. But, how could Kirilenko have handled it any more professionally? Further, why doesn’t Andrei understand his role? — because Sloan does not understand Andrei’s role. He has given it no attention whatsoever. Instead, he has shifted back to the old ways doing of things during the Jazz heydays of the late-1990s.

When Stock and the Mailman retired, Sloan was a divorcee on the rebound. He was willing to entertain AK’s hijinks when they were his only option. He dated AK, but he’s marrying Williams and Boozer. Now that Sloan’s got the babe he wants, the Coach does not return AK’s phone calls. Sloan would like to move on, and forget the AK-47 affair ever occurred.

When Stock and Malone were around, there was no Andrei-the-undeniable-havoc reeker to incorporate into his rigid system. In Sloan's preferred system, big men are given the ball in the post, and tough-minded guards set screens for cutters who take jumps shots when lay-ups aren't available. In this old-school offense, there was no role for a gangly slashing, passing, shot-blocking forward.

The conventional system is the situation Sloan knows best and will always choose when given an option. The mohawk, the letting your man go past you on purpose so you can block his shot from behind, the wild drives into the lane for an even wilder dish off…all that stuff made Sloan a bit nervous. Now it’s back to the tried-and-true pick and roll.

Andrei Kirilenko is as earnest a figure as you will find in pro sports. He feels confused, betrayed, and more than anything, hurt. From his perspective, the Jazz signed him to a max deal. It is fair to assume a team would only sign someone to big money, if they are committed to developing and utilizing their talents. The fact that Kirilenko was dealing with a small market team more hesitant than most to open their wallet, probably reinforced the commitment Andrei felt he had.

This season should have been AK’s coming out party. As with the Oscars or the Emmies, talent usually must wait a few years before getting proper recognition. The Defensive Player of the Year award that he should have won in 03-04? That award was supposed to be his this year. It was Andrei’s turn. The first NBA player to put up a 5-5 stat line in the post-season? That should have been his as well. He has every right to be upset.

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[1] In 2004-05, Andrei was injured for the first half of the season, Boozer was injured for the second half. Last season, Boozer was injured for two-thirds of the season and once he did come back his minutes were severely limited due to the recovery process.

[2] Meanwhile Fisher, an actual perimeter player, is shooting 39 percent, yet he receives no public scoldings from Sloan as Andrei has endured the entire year. Fisher hasn’t been getting the job done all season, but you get the feeling if Sloan could make cylon clones out of he and Harpring they would never be taken out of the game.

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part II

If any sophisticated Jazz fan were to plan a shortlist of how Sloan was going to throw away the series against the Rockets[i], it would contain three basic components: 1) Play Harpring over Andrei Kirilenko 2) Play Fisher over Ronnie Brewer and Giricek 3) Rely on Boozer far too much. Basically, the same things that botched the last 20 games of the season.

Instead of pointing this out, the SLC sports media wrote columns stating the Jazz simply couldn’t score enough points in Game One. Pretty sophisticated analysis, I’d have to say. The Jazz didn’t score enough points to win…wow, will someone please hire me to write sports journalism full time?! I wouldn’t even have to watch the games, much less write the columns. It would be entirely possible to farm the work out to some Indian tech center.

Game One was a low-scoring affair decided by defense, as are most playoff games. You don’t need a lot of points. In a defense-controlled game, how are you going to make stops when your primary line up consists of these five players? -- Williams, Fisher, Harpring, Boozer, Okur.

Among those five, there is only one competent defender, that being Deron. And, as much as I love the man-in-desperate-need-of-a-good-nickname[ii] , he is only adequate. There are only three good defenders on the entire roster: AK, Millsap, and Brewer—in that order. Giricek’s bizarre Croatian folk dancing can distract his man occasionally as well.

Let’s unpack this a little further. Millsap is the eighth, or ninth rotation man on the roster. His primary function has been to back up Boozer and spend a little time at small forward or center. Sloan only uses Brewer when the Alzheimer kicks in and forgets that he knows about his secret. (Maybe, next year Jerry will lose it completely and Brewer will actually start.) Even though Andrei Kirilenko has literally been the sole consistent defensive presence on a team that won 51 games, he gets no credit.

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[i] If I hadn’t moved, experienced a major work schedule change, and had no internet for half of the previous week you have to believe I would have made this post.

[ii] This column is coming soon.

On this day, we all cry with Kirilenko, Part I

In evaluating a basketball player’s effectiveness, there is one key element sports journalists get wrong more than anything else. A cultural obsession with statistics makes analysts lose sight of what’s most important. All they have to do is answer this question: How does the team play when player X is on the court?

Do they tend to stay focused? Do they make silly mistakes? Or, even more simply, does their team score more points than the opposing team when player X is on the court? When Andrei Kirilenko is on the court for the Jazz, the answers are: Yes. No. Yes.

The Jazz’s mysterious 8-12 limp to the finish coincided with Sloan’s mid-March preference to finish games with Harpring at the expense of AK. After the midway point of the third quarter, Andrei would disappear never to be seen again.[i] The result? A team previously known for composure down the stretch was instantly transformed into a team that collapsed in the fourth quarter. Coincidence? Hardly.[ii]

When I first heard of the HarpringSucks blog, my thoughts were probably pretty similar to most Jazz fans. “Wait, Matt’s okay. What are they talking about?” I never really had a lot of affection for Harpring, but I thought of him as a good sixth man who plays hard, scores in bunches, and gives the team some toughness that offsets his complete inability to stay in front of his man on defense.

Earlier this year, some Scottish filmmakers released a documentary about French soccer legend Zinedine Zidane where 17 cameras track him for an entire match against Villa Real. It’s amazing what you notice once you are trained in on Zidane, and Zidane alone. The ball appears to be simply an extended appendage of his body. His skill is like nothing the world’s most popular sport has ever seen. Nobody takes the ball from Zidane, unless Zidane is ready to give up the ball. Nobody.

Harpring is the exact opposite. I dare you to play the role of the Scottish filmmaker and focus on Matt for an entire game. What you will see is a turnover machine. He can’t pass the ball. I mean at all. When was the last time Harpring threw a pass where you said, “Wow, I can’t believe he saw that.” Whereas, with AK almost every game he throws at least one pass where you say to yourself, “I can’t believe he saw, much less threw, that pass.” The only passes Harpring makes that inspire awe are those that go directly into the hands of the other team.

Broadcasters love to mention the media guide garbage about Harpring’s family background in football. “How tough is Matt Harpring? I mean he goes about two-thirty, but that doesn’t even tell ya…Wow…I mean, he and Fish are solid.” Bolerjack will repeat some variation of this at least three times a game.

Not once, have I heard anyone make the most obvious comparison available—Harpring is a perpetual fumbler. The ball squirts out of his hands more than any one not-named Greg Ostertag. Except, Sloan rarely had Ostertag on the court when the game was on the line. Not the case with Matt.

Harpring also routinely has many turnovers that will never appear in the stat sheet. The guy commits at least two to three stupid completely unnecessary fouls each game. Most of these occur, but are not limited to, the offensive end. Harpring is like one of the metal centurion cylons out of Battlestar Gallatica, except instead of a complicated base ship to give him orders, he has tractor-loving puritan Sloan.

The Matt Harpring cylon is programmed to run specific routes on the court. If someone gets in its way, it does not abort the mission, but continues with the route. Toughness. TOUGHNESS will prevail over all! This is the only form of analysis provided to the Harp-bot.

Inevitably at some point in every game, Harpring will be trying to post up, screen, or move through the lane and he will thrust his hip or shoulder into an opposing player causing them to fly to the hardwood. Guess what? There aren’t first-downs in this game, you can’t do that. The ref immediately blows his whistle. Harpring will then turn, making a face of complete incredulity like an eight-year-old who was told he could not ride the roller coaster because he didn’t meet the 45 inch height requirement. “Sorry son, I just can’t let you out there. This is for your own good.” If Sloan were the brilliant coach every one treats him to be, this is precisely what he’d say to Harpring.

Instead, he is Jerry’s favorite student. "Little Jerry," they call him. How cute. How appropriate. How disgusting. I will now hang myself from the kitsch Energy Solutions signage. It’s Electrifying!

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[i] On April 7, Andrei was injured and missed all but the final two games of the regular season. However, at that point Sloan had already made his preference for Harpring clearly known.

[ii] Many people will point out that AK was injured midway through the 12-1. However, AK’s minutes were not redistributed primarily to Harpring, but Millsap. Paul's presence also results in favorable answers to the key effectiveness questions.

WANTED: GONZO SPORTS WRITER FOR FILL-IN HELP...will train...wait, no, won't train

Four spelling errors, three jumbled paragraphs, two misused quotes and a partridge-in-a-pear tree…so, my idea of having a relative fill in while my internet was disconnected over the weekend didn't work out so well.

The ideal candidate will have the following skills, or mindset:

• The ability to explain why Craig Bolerjack is the anti-Christ.

• An understanding of rudimentary basketball mechanics, i.e. Dee Brown is not a NBA shooting guard—nor does the fact Matt Harpring “goes about 230” have anything to do with being a “basketball player.”

• A sincere appreciation of the semantic power of the word “fragile,” e.g. when applied to the Jazz it represents the balance Sloan teeters between functionality and complete overwhelming Alzheimer.

• An agreement that Kevin O'Connor bringing Derek Fisher to the Jazz was a mistake on par with trading Dell Curry.

• A compulsive need to develop a cartoon featuring Jerry Sloan and Matt Harping as “Tractor Man” and “Plow Boy” a la Captain Planet; the pair circle the globe to re-educate villainous young basketball players who dare to dunk the ball, move laterally on the perimeter, and only fall on the court when actually necessary.
  

Experience:

Must have numerous published clips, preferably long-form or literary journalism … or, the desire to write scattered surreal rants on sports or western cultural topics worthless to most, if not all, long form and literary journals.

Education:

• An advanced degree in journalism they sort of regret getting…and maybe even another graduate degree they also aren't sure was the right move.

• Alternately, enough home schooling to know John Hollinger is paid way too much, Steve Luhm is the Armstrong Williams of the local sports media, and the "Brad Rock--the 'Rock Monster' ” ad campaign was previously the most consistent unintentional comedy moment of any Jazz broadcast, but may soon be replaced by the new “It’s Electrifying!” playoff television spot.[1]

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  [1] Larry Miller is wearing earmuff headphones while whistling the song “Hustle” out of tune for what seems like five minutes. He is swaying back and forth in front of a white background as if he was mentally challenged—which he would have to be keep Sloan gainfully employed for going on two decades.

Adrian Dantley retirement ceremony play-by-play

Two of the biggest reasons I remain a Jazz addict have little to do with their performance on the court. First, the organization may now have nearly a billion dollars in assets, but there are still many provincial small town remnants to its operation that provide me with endless ironic joy.

The second reason? Despite being so very predictable, there are still a great many mysteries surrounding the organization – for instance, the size of Larry Miller’s left elbow (also see: Sloan’s Deep Dark Secret, post #1).

In this vein, I bring you a play-by-play of Adrian Dantley’s “Jersey Retirement Ceremony"...

In middle of the second quarter we are given an interview with Larry Miller where he says, “yeah, I was a little more hesitant than I should have been to get this done.” This qualifies as the largest understatement by a celebrity since Robert Mcnamara stated in The Fog of War documentary that, “using Agent Orange was maybe a bad idea.” A little hesitant, Larry? Try unbelievably so…can’t imagine why Sloan gets away with being “hesitant” to play Brewer.

Standing at half court, Hot Rod commands the attention of the crowd to introduce honorary guests, except the list he has been given does not match the order of the line. The mix up starts when John Stockton is announced as “Ron Bonne,” and then half of “AD’s ex-teammates” are introduced as if they were role playing at a swingers party, forcing them to stutter step backwards not knowing quite how to react. They then shake their heads while slapping hands with Dantley on the most important night of his life.

Then, for about five minutes AD’s high school coach lays on the praise. With five or six cameras in his face, it becomes quite apparent AD has a strange lip-piercing twitch which is almost painful to look at for too long. Clearly, it is the sign of a very anxious individual, and may be even OCD. An incredibly socially awkward habit that explains a lot. When you look at Dantley, all of a sudden you get the feeling that, to him, this is a job interview and the boss has 40,000 eyes.

As the next five speakers are handed the microphone, it becomes clear only Frank Layden and the high school coach actually came with a plan for what they were going to say and rehearsed it ahead of time. Sam Battistone, Larry Miller, and John Stockton figure they can just wing it. Stockton practically says “thanks AD” and pitches the microphone to Miller while running for cover back into the tunnel, where he peaks out from behind the rafters to observe the rest of the ceremony safely. Ok, that’s not true, but his speech lasted about ten seconds and none of it was memorable—a vintage Stockton public appearance.

Finally, AD is introduced by Hots as the “only Jazz player to average 29 points a game over his seven seasons with the Jazz—still a record.” Uh, yeah, I bet it is a record. Holy H-E-double-hockey-sticks! Boozer averages 20 or so now, and it seem like he scores 25 every game to offset the occasional off night…Dantley’s record will stand until Premier Stern institutes the upcoming rule where players can only play perimeter defense while standing on their heads.

Wearing a pin-striped suit that looks like it costs as much as the entire Mr. Mac organization, AD takes the microphone.[i] He puts up his hand up as if he is about to speak but is over-whelmed by applause. Dantley then does that weird lip-piercing thing, but now it’s a little clearer why he was doing it in the first place.

AD is on the verge of tears. He can barely hold it back. This wasn’t going to happen, he didn’t believe the day would ever come. Twenty one years. There was no reason to believe it would come, but here he is actually living the moment. Nightmares, dreams they all messed together in his mind around this one moment. He simply does not and cannot believe this is real.

After about three botched attempts to speak, he gathers himself and says, “good things happen to those who wait.” One of the most poignant and touching moments in sports I’ve seen in a long time. However, it was not my favorite of the night.

After Dantley graciously says a paragraph or two about all the other names hanging in the rafters[ii], we are not given a quasi-motivational speech about how to live your life through the lenses of an athlete (as we were with Malone’s JRC). Instead, AD gives us this, “Today, at our luncheon, I told Larry that with Phil Johnson and Sloan starting to get older…I expect a phone call. He better bring me in for the interview of the job with the Utah Jazz.”

While scratching his chin, Larry smiles with a face that says, “Don’t push your luck.” However, the second head growing out of his left elbow made a different expression which leads me to believe AD’s request is no longer far fetched.

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[i] For a bonus…who remembers what the Mailman wore to his “jersey retirement ceremony"?

[ii] Including Hornacek and Maravich, whom he never played with, as well as Malone who was the main reason he was told to pack his bags in the first place (who was also conspicuously absent from the arena).

The sky is too falling

Salt Lake Tribune writer Gordon Monson says the sky is not falling. He is simply wrong. I know so because Foxey Loxey told me. The speech was hurried and he was kind of out of breath. It took me awhile to understand what he was saying between the huffing gasps, but all-in-all Loxey presented detailed evidence the sky is indeed coming down on our heads.

Foxey toured the local radio talk show circuit, his picture was in the paper standing in front of a powerpoint presentation with the title “findings”, and he spoke at the UN while holding a vile of Matt Harpring’s urine, for Christ sake! How could he possibly be wrong? This morning I went to Smith's superstore and bought the biggest tub of peanut butter I could find and nine rolls of tape with an ape on the label (…indicating it was indeed strong like an ape and not silly, or weak, like a monkey, i.e. the competitors tape). Then down to Fanzz where I picked up nineteen Kris Humphries jersey’s which I have fixed into a makeshift quilt which could also double as a land sail for a skateboard.

I also purchased the latest copy of WWE’s Investor's Business Explosion, you know so just in case the sky isn’t falling I’ll come out of the whole affair better off…you never know, during half time tonight Sloan might slip and break his hip on a puddle of Larry Miller’s tears.

The breakup you can't make

Context: Jazz lose by 30 points to a mediocre but desperate team. The game is out of control by the 9 minute mark. The team has lost 10 out of their last 15 games.

Have you ever dated a girl that’s smart but also a bit wild and crazy? Things are hot, heavy, and even intimate at first. An incredibly exciting experience overall, you just can’t get enough. But sooner or later, the “crazy” part catches up. There is that distinct moment—it could be when she quits her job over something minimal, or sleeps with another guy because she was “drunk and didn’t know what she was doing”— and from that point on you know it's over but can’t leave because she’s upset and vulnerable and you still care. You can see the exit, but aren’t quite sure how to take it graciously.

This is how I feel about the remaining five games of the 2007 Jazz season and the upcoming playoffs. Whether I like it or not, I’m tied to this team and can’t shop around for a better organization that would fulfill my needs...of living vicariously through televised athletics.

The next three weeks are going to be painful, but unavoidable. How bad are things going to get? That's about the only question worth debating at this point.